Why Do I Feel Shame Around Sex, and How Can I Overcome It?

Why Do I Feel Shame Around Sex, and How Can I Overcome It?

Shame around sex is something many people carry quietly, sometimes for years. Maybe you find yourself pulling away from intimacy, feeling anxious in the bedroom, or avoiding conversations with your partner because sex feels too uncomfortable to talk about. You may even wonder, “What’s wrong with me?”

The truth is, nothing is wrong with you. Sexual shame is incredibly common and it can affect anyone, regardless of age, gender, or relationship status. At Embrace Sexual Wellness, many of the individuals and couples we work with come to therapy because shame has created distance in their intimate lives. And while shame can feel heavy, it’s also something you can work through with the right support.

In this post, we’ll explore why so many people experience shame around sex and what you can do to begin moving toward healing and self-acceptance.

Understanding Sexual Shame

Sexual shame is the feeling that your desires, your body, or your experiences of intimacy are “bad,” “dirty,” or “wrong.” It’s often rooted in messages we’ve internalized, sometimes so deeply that we don’t even realize they’re there.

These messages can sound like:

• “Good girls/boys don’t do that.”

• “Men should always want sex.”

• “Wanting pleasure makes you selfish.”

• “Talking about sex is embarrassing or inappropriate.”

Over time, beliefs like these create a cycle of guilt and silence. Instead of experiencing intimacy as something natural and enjoyable, you may approach it with anxiety, fear, or self-criticism.

Where Does Sexual Shame Come From?

Shame around sex usually doesn’t appear out of nowhere— it’s shaped by the environments and systems we grow up in. Here are some of the most common sources:

Family and Early Upbringing

If you grew up in a household where sex was never discussed, or where it was framed as “dirty” or “bad,” those early messages can stick with you. Even if no one said the words directly, a lack of conversation can signal that sex is something to feel secretive about.

Religion or Cultural Beliefs

Many people grew up in religious or cultural settings where sex was tied to morality. You may have been taught that certain desires are sinful, or that sex outside of marriage is wrong. These beliefs can cause lasting conflict between your values and your natural curiosity or desire.

Societal Expectations and Gender Roles

Society sends strong, often contradictory messages about sex. Men are expected to always be ready for intimacy, while women are often shamed for wanting it “too much.” For LGBTQIA+ folks, kinky communities, or people in non-traditional relationships, the stigma can feel even heavier.

Past Trauma or Negative Experiences

Experiences such as sexual trauma, betrayal, or even painful early encounters can reinforce shame. When intimacy becomes linked with fear or hurt, it makes sense that you might struggle to feel safe, open, or confident in your body.

How Shame Affects Your Intimacy and Relationships

Sexual shame doesn’t just stay in your head. It can ripple into every part of your intimate life and affect your relationship. Some ways it might show up include:

• Avoidance of intimacy: You may pull away from your partner or avoid sex entirely.

• Performance anxiety: Worrying about “doing it right” instead of being present.

• Difficulty communicating: Feeling embarrassed or fearful about sharing your needs.

• Disconnection in relationships: When shame blocks honesty, it often creates distance.

• Low desire or arousal: Shame can shut down your body’s natural responses.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. These struggles are exactly why many people seek out sex therapy to untangle the shame that gets in the way of connection and pleasure.

How to Begin Overcoming Sexual Shame

Healing from sexual shame takes time, but it is possible. The goal isn’t to erase the past, but to create new experiences that allow you to feel safe, authentic, and connected in your intimacy. Here are some steps that can help:

Recognize the Source

Start by noticing where your shame comes from. Was it an early message from your family? A cultural or religious teaching? A negative experience? Simply naming the source of shame can loosen its grip and remind you that it doesn’t define you.

Challenge Shame-Based Beliefs

Ask yourself: Is this belief true, or is it something I was taught to believe? For example, “I shouldn’t talk about what I like” can be reframed as “Sharing my desires helps my partner understand me and creates deeper intimacy.”

Practice Self-Compassion

Healing requires gentleness with yourself. If shame shows up, try replacing self-criticism with kindness and compassion for yourself. Remind yourself that what you’re experiencing is common and that you’re allowed to want pleasure and connection.

Communicate with Your Partner

Shame grows in silence. While it may feel scary, opening up to your partner about your feelings can reduce isolation and build trust. You don’t need to share everything at once; start small and notice how honesty shifts the dynamic between you.

Explore Mindfulness and Body Awareness

Shame often pulls you out of the moment and into self-judgment. Practices like mindfulness, grounding, or breath work can help you reconnect with your body in non-judgmental ways, making it easier to stay present during intimacy.

Seek Professional Support

Sometimes shame feels too heavy to navigate alone. Working with a sex therapist can give you tools, guidance, and a safe space to process your experiences. Therapy can help you rewrite the story you’ve been told about your sexuality and build new, empowering narratives.

How Therapy Can Help with Sexual Shame

We specialize in helping individuals and couples who are struggling with sexual shame, low desire, and intimacy challenges. In therapy, you’ll find a supportive space where nothing is “too much” or “too taboo” to talk about. Our therapists use evidence-based approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and mindfulness to help you:

• Untangle shame from your sense of self

• Identify and shift shame-based beliefs

• Rebuild intimacy and trust with your partner

• Learn healthier ways to express needs and desires

• Move toward confidence, pleasure, and connection

Shame doesn’t have to define your intimate life. With support, you can replace shame with self-acceptance and begin creating the fulfilling connections you deserve.

TLDR

If you’ve ever thought, “Something is wrong with me because of how I feel about sex,” you are not alone. Shame around sexuality is incredibly common, but it doesn’t have to be permanent. With compassion, awareness, and support, you can learn to let go of shame and reclaim intimacy as a source of joy and connection.

If you’re ready to start this journey, our team of sex therapists are here to help. We see clients in-person at our Chicago office and virtually in Illinois, Indiana, Idaho, Louisiana, and Kansas.

Schedule a free 10-minute consultation today and take the first step toward healing your relationship with intimacy and yourself.

Why Don’t I Want Sex Anymore, and Is Something Wrong With Me?

If you’ve found yourself thinking, “I just don’t want sex anymore,” you’re not alone.
Maybe sex used to feel exciting or connecting, or maybe it’s always been complicated. But now, it feels like something you avoid, feel pressure around, or just don’t think about at all. It’s confusing. Sometimes scary. And for many people, the first question that follows is:

“Is something wrong with me?”

The short answer: no. But your experience does deserve attention, care, and support.

Low sexual desire, or no desire at all, is incredibly common, especially among women in long-term relationships who are juggling work, parenting, emotional labor, or unresolved relationship tension. It’s also one of the most common concerns clients bring to therapy.

Let’s break down why desire can shift, what it might be trying to tell you, and how working with a therapist can help you feel more connected to yourself and to your partner.

What Does It Mean If I Have Low Sexual Desire?

Desire isn’t a fixed personality trait. It ebbs and flows across our lives and relationships. So when you notice a change in your interest in sex, that’s not a flaw or failure, it’s a signal.

Desire often fades in response to something (e.g., stress, resentment, exhaustion, disconnection, or even internalized shame about sex). But instead of interpreting that signal with curiosity, many people assume it’s a reflection of their identity or worth.

In reality, desire is complex. It can be relational, emotional, hormonal, psychological, or all of the above. And with the right support, it’s often possible to understand it, and reclaim it, on your own terms.

It’s also important to note the difference between low sexual desire and asexuality. Asexuality is a valid sexual orientation, not a dysfunction or problem to fix. A person who is asexual may experience little or no sexual attraction, and that’s a healthy part of their identity. In contrast, low desire usually feels like a change from what’s been typical for you, or something that’s causing distress or tension in your relationship. If you’re unsure where you fall, therapy can help you explore that with curiosity and care.

Why You Might Not Want Sex Right Now

Here are just a few of the common (and very valid) reasons desire might be low:

Mental Load and Overwhelm

For many women, sex doesn’t just require time, it requires mental space. When your mind is full of to-do lists, caregiving responsibilities, and work stress, it’s hard to feel present or open to physical connection.

Burnout and Emotional Fatigue

Chronic stress and burnout have a major impact on our nervous systems. When you’re in survival mode, your body prioritizes rest and regulation over arousal or intimacy. It’s biology, not personal failure.

Disconnection or Resentment in the Relationship

Desire needs safety and closeness to thrive. If you feel emotionally distant from your partner, or if there’s unspoken frustration, miscommunication, or unequal labor in the relationship, it’s no surprise that intimacy starts to feel less appealing.

Sex Hasn’t Felt Good in a While

If past sexual experiences have felt pressured, unfulfilling, or one-sided, your body may begin to anticipate more of the same. This can trigger shutdown or avoidance,.not because you’re broken, but because your nervous system is protecting you.

Hormonal Changes or Medical Factors

Perimenopause, postpartum recovery, chronic pain, and certain medications can all affect desire. It’s important to understand how physical and hormonal shifts are impacting your experience, not to pathologize, but to make space for healing.

When Low Desire Impacts Your Relationship

In many couples, low desire creates a pattern of tension: one person initiates; the other pulls away; both feel frustrated, rejected, or confused. Over time, this can lead to emotional distance, decreased physical affection, or feelings of inadequacy.

It’s easy to assume that a lack of sex means something is fundamentally wrong with the relationship. Often, lack of interest in sex is not about the relationship at all, it’s about the conditions the relationship is existing in.

That’s where therapy can help.

How Sex Therapy Supports Healing and Connection

Whether you’re working individually or as a couple, therapy can be a powerful way to better understand your relationship with desire and gently shift it.

You don’t need to be in crisis to benefit. Many clients seek support when they simply notice: “I’m not feeling like myself,” or “I miss the intimacy we used to have.”

Here’s what therapy can offer:

A Shame-Free Space to Explore What’s Happening

You don’t have to explain or justify why sex feels different right now. A skilled therapist creates space for you to name what’s real, without fear of judgment or pressure to “fix” anything quickly.

Tools to Regulate the Nervous System

Many people experiencing low desire are operating in a state of chronic stress or hypervigilance. Therapy can introduce mindfulness-based tools that help you feel safer, calmer, and more attuned to your body.

Support for Couples to Reconnect

In couples therapy, we work to reduce pressure around sex and strengthen emotional intimacy. That might look like practicing more open communication, addressing longstanding resentment, or redefining what connection means in this season of your life.

Reframing What Desire Really Is

Desire doesn’t always look spontaneous or urgent. Sometimes it’s responsive, meaning something that builds when you feel relaxed, cared for, and emotionally safe. Therapy helps you explore your unique template for desire, without comparison or shame.

What If I’m Not Sure Where to Start?

That’s okay. You don’t have to have it all figured out. In fact, therapy is a place to not have all the answers.

If you’re in the Chicago area, or looking for virtual support across Illinois, our team at Embrace Sexual Wellness offers compassionate, trauma-informed sex therapy that meets you where you are.

We specialize in working with individuals and couples navigating low desire, performance anxiety, and emotional or sexual disconnection. Whether you’re looking for support on your own or with your partner, we’re here to help you take the next right step.

Signs You Might Benefit from Therapy

You don’t need a diagnosis or a crisis to reach out. Therapy might be helpful if:

• You feel disconnected from your body or desire

• Sex feels like a duty, not a choice

• You and your partner have stopped talking about intimacy

• You feel guilt, shame, or confusion about your level of desire

• You want to feel more present and connected during intimacy

You’re Not Broken. You’re Human.

Low desire is not a flaw. It’s a signal, a cue from your body and mind that something deserves attention. And like most things in therapy, that signal can become a starting point for healing, growth, and deeper connection.

You don’t have to navigate it alone.

If you’re curious about working with a therapist to explore your relationship with sex, we invite you to reach out to our team of providers. Whether you’re based in Illinois or another state we’re licensed in, support is available.

Can Therapy Really Help with Sexual Performance Anxiety?

Sex is supposed to be pleasurable, right?

But for many people, sex doesn’t feel free, confident, or connected; it feels pressured, stressful, and full of second-guessing. If you've ever found yourself overthinking your performance in the bedroom, worrying about how your body is responding, or feeling frozen in moments that are supposed to feel intimate, you’re not alone.

Sexual performance anxiety is incredibly common, but it’s rarely talked about even in therapy spaces. And unfortunately, the silence often makes things worse. The good news? Therapy can help, and not just in a surface-level way. It can address the deeper emotional and relational patterns that keep performance anxiety in place and help you (and your partner) move toward real, connected intimacy.

Let’s break it down.

What Is Sexual Performance Anxiety?

Sexual performance anxiety is a form of anxiety that shows up in sexual situations whether you're about to have sex, thinking about sex, or trying to be intimate with a partner. It can affect people of all genders, sexual orientations, and relationship types.

It often sounds like this:

• “What if I can’t keep it up?”

• “What if I don’t finish?”

• “What if I don’t feel anything?”

• “What if they think I’m bad in bed?”

• “What if my body doesn’t respond the way it’s supposed to?”

• “What if I disappoint them?”

For some, performance anxiety leads to avoidance (e.g., avoiding sex, closeness, or even conversations about intimacy). For others, it shows up during sex as intrusive thoughts, tension, or a sense of being disconnected from your body. This can be frustrating, isolating, and, let’s be honest, deeply painful, especially if it’s affecting your relationship.

Common Causes of Sexual Performance Anxiety

Sexual performance anxiety rarely shows up out of nowhere. It's often connected to one or more of the following:

1. Cultural or religious shame about sex

Messages you received growing up about sex being "bad," "dirty," or only for reproduction can linger in the body and mind, even years later. These messages about sex can lead us to think we are ‘wrong’ for wanting to be intimate or thinking about engaging in sex with our partners.

2. High pressure to perform

Especially for men, there's often pressure to “initiate,” “stay hard,” “last long,” or “satisfy your partner” all while being relaxed and confident. That's a lot of pressure for something that's supposed to be mutually enjoyable.

3. Body image concerns

If you're worried about how your body looks or functions during sex, it's hard to be present.

4. Past sexual trauma or negative experiences

Unresolved trauma or even one awkward, painful, or embarrassing sexual encounter can shape how you feel about intimacy moving forward.

5. Relationship issues

Ongoing conflict, lack of trust, or emotional disconnection can make sex feel like a performance instead of a shared experience.

6. Stress, anxiety, and mental health

Generalized anxiety, depression, and chronic stress (especially from work, parenting, or caregiving roles) can impact desire, arousal, and confidence.

So, Can Therapy Really Help?

Yes, and here’s how. At Embrace Sexual Wellness, we work with individuals and couples who are dealing with the emotional, relational, and physical challenges of sexual performance anxiety.

Therapy can help you:

1. Understand what’s really going on

Performance anxiety is rarely just about what’s happening in the moment. Therapy helps uncover what’s fueling the anxiety, whether it’s past experiences, shame, fear of failure, or relational dynamics. You get to explore your story in a safe, supportive space.

2. Interrupt the anxiety-thought cycle

In therapy, you’ll learn how to identify and challenge anxious thoughts before they spiral into shutdown or panic. This might involve CBT techniques, mindfulness practices, or somatic awareness, all aimed at helping you stay present and grounded during intimacy.

3. Reconnect with your body

Performance anxiety pulls you out of your body and into your head. Therapy helps you rebuild a relationship with your body that feels safe, attuned, and responsive, not judgmental or critical. This can be especially healing for people who’ve experienced dissociation or discomfort during sex.

4. Communicate with your partner more openly

If you're in a relationship, therapy can support both of you in having honest, shame-free conversations about sex. You’ll learn to express needs, set boundaries, and understand each other’s triggers so sex becomes a space of trust, not pressure.

5. Heal from past experiences

Whether you’ve been through trauma, rejection, or simply years of sexual avoidance, therapy offers a chance to heal. You don’t have to carry the weight of old experiences into every intimate moment.

6. Create a new sexual narrative

Instead of sex being about performance, pressure, or expectation, therapy helps you define what you want sex to mean. Perhaps it’s connection, pleasure, playfulness or safety or a combination. You get to rewrite the script.

What to Expect in Sex Therapy

You don’t have to show up with all the answers. You don’t need to be in crisis. You just need to be willing to be curious and honest with yourself and your therapist.

We’ll create a space that’s affirming, nonjudgmental, and tailored to you. Some clients come for individual therapy; others come as a couple. Either way, therapy is always consent-based, collaborative, and deeply respectful of where you are in your journey.

We often hear clients say things like:

“I wish I’d started this sooner.”

“I am so relieved I found you to help us.”

“I thought I was broken, but I just needed someone to help me understand what was really going on.”

You’re not broken. You’re human. And you don’t have to figure this out alone.

Sex Therapy in Chicago

At Embrace Sexual Wellness, we offer specialized comprehensive care in sex therapy that targets your goals. While we are based in Chicago, Illinois, we’re also licensed to support clients in Idaho, Indiana, Kansas, and Louisiana. Whether you're local or working with us virtually, you’ll receive compassionate, expert care grounded in science and rooted in human connection.

TLDR

Sexual performance anxiety can make intimacy feel like a test you’re always failing, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. Therapy can help you understand your anxiety, shift your mindset, reconnect with your body, and build a sex life that actually feels good for you and your partner. You don’t need to power through, shut down, or pretend everything’s fine. You can talk about it. You can work on it and find new strategies to approach intimacy with more ease.