Why Do I Feel Shame Around Sex, and How Can I Overcome It?

Why Do I Feel Shame Around Sex, and How Can I Overcome It?

Shame around sex is something many people carry quietly, sometimes for years. Maybe you find yourself pulling away from intimacy, feeling anxious in the bedroom, or avoiding conversations with your partner because sex feels too uncomfortable to talk about. You may even wonder, “What’s wrong with me?”

The truth is, nothing is wrong with you. Sexual shame is incredibly common and it can affect anyone, regardless of age, gender, or relationship status. At Embrace Sexual Wellness, many of the individuals and couples we work with come to therapy because shame has created distance in their intimate lives. And while shame can feel heavy, it’s also something you can work through with the right support.

In this post, we’ll explore why so many people experience shame around sex and what you can do to begin moving toward healing and self-acceptance.

Understanding Sexual Shame

Sexual shame is the feeling that your desires, your body, or your experiences of intimacy are “bad,” “dirty,” or “wrong.” It’s often rooted in messages we’ve internalized, sometimes so deeply that we don’t even realize they’re there.

These messages can sound like:

• “Good girls/boys don’t do that.”

• “Men should always want sex.”

• “Wanting pleasure makes you selfish.”

• “Talking about sex is embarrassing or inappropriate.”

Over time, beliefs like these create a cycle of guilt and silence. Instead of experiencing intimacy as something natural and enjoyable, you may approach it with anxiety, fear, or self-criticism.

Where Does Sexual Shame Come From?

Shame around sex usually doesn’t appear out of nowhere— it’s shaped by the environments and systems we grow up in. Here are some of the most common sources:

Family and Early Upbringing

If you grew up in a household where sex was never discussed, or where it was framed as “dirty” or “bad,” those early messages can stick with you. Even if no one said the words directly, a lack of conversation can signal that sex is something to feel secretive about.

Religion or Cultural Beliefs

Many people grew up in religious or cultural settings where sex was tied to morality. You may have been taught that certain desires are sinful, or that sex outside of marriage is wrong. These beliefs can cause lasting conflict between your values and your natural curiosity or desire.

Societal Expectations and Gender Roles

Society sends strong, often contradictory messages about sex. Men are expected to always be ready for intimacy, while women are often shamed for wanting it “too much.” For LGBTQIA+ folks, kinky communities, or people in non-traditional relationships, the stigma can feel even heavier.

Past Trauma or Negative Experiences

Experiences such as sexual trauma, betrayal, or even painful early encounters can reinforce shame. When intimacy becomes linked with fear or hurt, it makes sense that you might struggle to feel safe, open, or confident in your body.

How Shame Affects Your Intimacy and Relationships

Sexual shame doesn’t just stay in your head. It can ripple into every part of your intimate life and affect your relationship. Some ways it might show up include:

• Avoidance of intimacy: You may pull away from your partner or avoid sex entirely.

• Performance anxiety: Worrying about “doing it right” instead of being present.

• Difficulty communicating: Feeling embarrassed or fearful about sharing your needs.

• Disconnection in relationships: When shame blocks honesty, it often creates distance.

• Low desire or arousal: Shame can shut down your body’s natural responses.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. These struggles are exactly why many people seek out sex therapy to untangle the shame that gets in the way of connection and pleasure.

How to Begin Overcoming Sexual Shame

Healing from sexual shame takes time, but it is possible. The goal isn’t to erase the past, but to create new experiences that allow you to feel safe, authentic, and connected in your intimacy. Here are some steps that can help:

Recognize the Source

Start by noticing where your shame comes from. Was it an early message from your family? A cultural or religious teaching? A negative experience? Simply naming the source of shame can loosen its grip and remind you that it doesn’t define you.

Challenge Shame-Based Beliefs

Ask yourself: Is this belief true, or is it something I was taught to believe? For example, “I shouldn’t talk about what I like” can be reframed as “Sharing my desires helps my partner understand me and creates deeper intimacy.”

Practice Self-Compassion

Healing requires gentleness with yourself. If shame shows up, try replacing self-criticism with kindness and compassion for yourself. Remind yourself that what you’re experiencing is common and that you’re allowed to want pleasure and connection.

Communicate with Your Partner

Shame grows in silence. While it may feel scary, opening up to your partner about your feelings can reduce isolation and build trust. You don’t need to share everything at once; start small and notice how honesty shifts the dynamic between you.

Explore Mindfulness and Body Awareness

Shame often pulls you out of the moment and into self-judgment. Practices like mindfulness, grounding, or breath work can help you reconnect with your body in non-judgmental ways, making it easier to stay present during intimacy.

Seek Professional Support

Sometimes shame feels too heavy to navigate alone. Working with a sex therapist can give you tools, guidance, and a safe space to process your experiences. Therapy can help you rewrite the story you’ve been told about your sexuality and build new, empowering narratives.

How Therapy Can Help with Sexual Shame

We specialize in helping individuals and couples who are struggling with sexual shame, low desire, and intimacy challenges. In therapy, you’ll find a supportive space where nothing is “too much” or “too taboo” to talk about. Our therapists use evidence-based approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and mindfulness to help you:

• Untangle shame from your sense of self

• Identify and shift shame-based beliefs

• Rebuild intimacy and trust with your partner

• Learn healthier ways to express needs and desires

• Move toward confidence, pleasure, and connection

Shame doesn’t have to define your intimate life. With support, you can replace shame with self-acceptance and begin creating the fulfilling connections you deserve.

TLDR

If you’ve ever thought, “Something is wrong with me because of how I feel about sex,” you are not alone. Shame around sexuality is incredibly common, but it doesn’t have to be permanent. With compassion, awareness, and support, you can learn to let go of shame and reclaim intimacy as a source of joy and connection.

If you’re ready to start this journey, our team of sex therapists are here to help. We see clients in-person at our Chicago office and virtually in Illinois, Indiana, Idaho, Louisiana, and Kansas.

Schedule a free 10-minute consultation today and take the first step toward healing your relationship with intimacy and yourself.

Experiencing Seasonal Depression? Here Are a Few Tips to Manage Symptoms

Seasonal depression, otherwise known as seasonal affective disorder (SAD), is a type of depression related to the changes in seasons For most people, symptoms start in the fall and continue into the winter months. They often resolve during the spring and summer months. In less frequent cases, SAD causes depression in the spring or early summer and resolves during the fall or winter months. Symptoms include fatigue, loss of interest in pleasurable activities, and intense sadness, among other things. It’s not an uncommon challenge so if you experience this, you are far from alone. Luckily, there are things you can do to mitigate the intensity of your symptoms.

1) Try a light therapy lamp 

• Sunlight lamps emit light that simulates sunlight. There’s research that says sitting in front of it for 30 minutes right when you wake up can improve seasonal depression symptoms. The thinking is that this assists your circadian rhythm, making you feel more alert. For best results, you should use light therapy under the recommendation and guidance of a psychiatric professional.

2) Get outdoors

• Getting outside, even when it’s grey is easier said than done, yet highly effective. Going out and taking a walk, ideally around noon when the sun is brightest, is a great way to get a mood boost. Though challenging, trying to create a positive relationship with the season can help offset the SAD.

3) Talk to a doctor about using vitamin D or antidepressants

• If SAD is severely incapacitating you and disallowing you from functioning in the ways you typically do, consider seeing a doctor to talk about vitamin D supplements and/or antidepressants as a treatment option.

Seasonal depression is a challenge but luckily there are options for addressing it. If you’re struggling, consider seeing a mental health professional and/or your primary care physician for treatment options. We wish you an easy winter season for those of you experiencing winter SAD. 

4 Ways to Feel at Home in Your Body as a Queer Person

It’s no secret that navigating the world as a queer person can be a messy, challenging process. Systems of oppression such as homophobia, fatphobia, racism, transphobia, and misogyny, among others, constantly tell marginalized people that their existence is incorrect, not least of all their physical form. Additionally, capitalism thrives on solving issues that it convinces you that you have. With all of this combined, it’s even tougher for queer people than most to feel at home in their bodies. This is in no way the fault of the individual, and yet the individual is the only one who can ultimately change the reality of their attitude. That’s not to downplay the difficulty of the task and hopefully this article can help guide you as you endeavor to feel more at peace in your own skin. 

Surround yourself with supportive people (and media) 

Your environment, both in person and online, directly affects your mental wellbeing. If you spend every day around people or following people on social media who espouse hateful rhetoric that makes you feel worse about yourself, that is not someone who should be part of your life if you have the choice. Of course, it might not always be a choice, such as if you still live with/depend on someone who makes you feel worse about your body. In that instance, try to spend as much time as possible with people who are a positive influence, whether that means finding them through an activity of mutual interest for example or perhaps

Intentionally connect with your body through meditation

Meditation and physical activity both require an intentional awareness of the body which can, in turn, make you feel more in control and more in tune with your body. A popular meditative practice is a body scan meditation. Insight Timer has an LGBTQ+ specific 5 minute body scan meditation.  

Start with body neutrality instead of body positivity 

There’s no one correct way to exist in your body. Body positivity works for some people and that’s great; for others, though, it’s a daunting prospect to go from body dysmorphia or hatred to the polar opposite. Body neutrality is a “philosophy of embodiment that sought to shift focus away from how our bodies look and toward how they can make us feel good.” In other words, instead of focusing on loving our physical form as opposed to hating it, the focus is shifted away from aesthetics entirely and towards the amazing things your body allows you to do.

Work on somatic/embodiment therapy with a queer affirming provider 

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by trying to improve your relationship with your body, you might consider seeking out somatic therapy under the guidance of a queer affirming provider. Somatic therapy is “a form of body-centered therapy that looks at the connection of mind and body… In addition to talk therapy, somatic therapy practitioners use… physical techniques to help release the pent-up tension that negatively affects a patient’s physical and emotional wellbeing.” This type of therapy can take many different forms so it might take some searching to find the right therapist for you. For guidance on finding a specifically queer affirming provider, check out this article.

Journeying to feel at home in your body is no easy task and you should take a moment to appreciate yourself and the hard work that you’re doing. This journey has no final destination and will likely last a lifetime but with the right community and tools, finding bodily peace is not beyond reach.