ASK A SEX THERAPIST

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ASK ESW

As sexuality professionals, our mission is to empower people to make healthy choices by providing them with scientifically accurate sexual health information.

ASK ESW is an anonymous resource where real people like you, can submit real questions and get real answers from the ESW team.

Disclaimer: Ask ESW is an informational resource. Content published on ESW is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have any medical, disability, or health questions or concerns, please consult your physician. Questions are answered in the order they are received, typically within one month.

 

 

COMMON QUESTIONS ABOUT SEX AND INTIMACY, ANSWERED.

Dear esw, I am a married man with a kid. I have a question about the angle of erections. There's not much practical information available on it, except for that different penises erect differently. When my penis is erect, it is somewhere between directly vertically downwards to horizontal (nothing like the upwards erect penis that is common), and this is a cause of concern for me. We have sex in the missionary position, and sometimes I have to hold the back of my penis during it to maintain the penetration - otherwise it slips out and its natural angle of erection wouldn't have entered the vagina by default. Can you please tell me if there are any other sex positions that can be suitable for me? Also important to mention is that my erect penis doesn't have a curve - it's a straight erection, only the angle is different.

Hi there,

I can understand and validate your frustration and please know there is nothing to be concerned about from an anatomical perspective. It is difficult to give position advice since the angle and positioning of your partner’s vaginal canal is also a factor. I would recommend engaging in some playful experimentation with positioning. No pressure, not focused on orgasm but rather a fun and exploratory sexual activity leading with curiosity. If you need suggestions of creative positions here is a resource we often recommend. 

ESW

dear esw, I have a best friend who does sex work, they have a social media account where they upload photos and stuff and accept payments for more explicit photos. We've been friends for many years before this even started and they told me about but did not share the account. I've liked my friend for some time now, I even confessed my feelings but they told me they wanted to stay friends. I accepted it and tried to move on, but ever since that happened I developed an obsession with them and started having sexual fantasies and even masturbated to their photos. I didn't really feel anything about it until I recently found the account they use for sex work, I just couldn't resist and ended up masturbating to the photos. It honestly didn't feel good but I couldn't stop, I feel really guilty now after doing it and can't stop thinking about how disgusting I am. I feel the need to tell my friend but I'm sure it will make things weird, I don't know how to get over this obsession. Should I be honest to them? Did i do something bad? I have to add that I found the account by indirectly looking for it, I was curious if I could find it and well I did. I think that's what makes me feel bad, may be if I had randomly found it it would be different, but the fact I was looking for it means part of me wanted to see those photos and I didn't realize how bad it would make feel after.

Hi there,

I know it can feel bad when we engage in behavior that may go against our morals and values. It sounds like you are having difficulty accepting the rejection of your friend and are finding ways to engage with them to satisfy the desire to be with them. It may be helpful to speak with a mental health professional if you are feeling your behaviors and actions feel compulsive or addictive. Therapists and counselors can help you identify ways to be more conscious in the decisions you make and help you understand your desires and choices. It is so very painful when our feelings are not reciprocated.

ESW

Dear esw,

I can only finish with clitoral stimulation. I enjoy penetration with a partner but I can’t climax from it. I can get close but never reach the finish line. Not even if I do clitoral stimulation at the same time so I never climax during sex. I’m aware that I’m probably apart of the percentile of women who can’t or don’t climax with penetration and I’m perfectly fine about that. But what are some ways or things me and a partner could do during sex so that I can finish too. Because I sometimes feel unfulfilled when I don’t climax or at least cum during sex.

Hi there,

It sounds like you are aware that it is common for individuals with clitorises to solely experience orgasm through clitoral stimulation rather than through penetration. It can require creativity between partners for everyone involved to feel satisfied after sexual contact. Taking turns can be a fun way to make sure all involved have an orgasm. Perhaps before or after penetration your partner could spend time focusing on your body and your pleasure. It may also be helpful to identify if there are factors that make it difficult to orgasm with clitoral stimulation and penetration such as hormonal changes, focus or distraction, etc. If challenges, persist, reach out to a certified sex therapist.

ESW

Dear esw, When i jerk off, i can get a good erection but whenever i stop, I can go soft in like 10 seconds. I checked on the internet and it said this could be a sign of low testosterone level. I checked it with my doctor and this is not the case. I saw things about alcohol or drug use or anxiety but these are also not the case. I was thinking about ED because without any physical stimulation i can’t get an erection. I never had anything sexual going on so I wanna make sure I can fix this problem before I start having sex. Maybe I should add that I masturbate daily (sometimes even 2x a day). Could this also be a cause of any problems?

Hello,

Every person with a penis has their own individual arousal cycle. For some, losing an erection takes time while others experience the loss of an erection instantaneously. Utilizing all the senses can help maintain an erection without physical stimulation. Some things to consider might be the use of fantasy, erotic imagery, sensitivity to distraction, focus, how difficult or easy it is to regain your erection and so much more. Although I understand it can be uncomfortable, it also may be helpful to discuss this with your physician to eliminate any physical variables besides testosterone levels that may contribute to the quickness with which you become flaccid. Sex therapy may also be a useful option to consider!

ESW

Dear esw, I feel like we have a good sex life. My girlfriend has multiple orgasms and I can stay hard for a long time. But I don't have an orgasm myself often, and she worries that I'm not getting pleasure. How can I have orgasms more quickly sometimes?

Hello,

Is having more frequent or quicker orgasms important to you as well as your partner? If so, focusing on please and sensation and utilizing the senses to stay in the moment can be helpful. Notice the sensation on the penis, the pleasurable sights, sounds, smells and really lean into those sensations. It can also be helpful to talk to a certified sex therapist to determine if there are other barriers preventing you from achieving an orgasm in the time you want. 

ESW

Dear esw, Does masturbation decrease the sperm count or does it change the shape of penis if you do it 3 to 4 times a week?

Hello,

Masturbation will decrease sperm count as every time ejaculation occurs sperm leave the testicles. Masturbation does not change the shape of the penis no matter how often you engage in it.

ESW

Dear esw, I am a man in my 40’s and still a virgin. When it comes to having sex with a woman, I’ll put it as simply as possible. I don’t know how. I know being awkward during one’s first time is normal, but that’s generally for teenagers. Revealing my virginity if/when my first time occurs, to me is not an option. I’m also aware that there’s not ‘one right way’ to have sex, and it’s all about being in the moment and connecting with your partner. Still, I can’t get over my hang ups about wanting to at least be competent, to avoid embarrassment and rejection for that specific reason. Strange as it may seem coming from a virgin, I do have a male ego. Also, my entire life I have masturbated in a prone position. To this day I have never once used my hand. I am just finding out now that that can be detrimental. Is it? At this stage of my life, how do I best educate myself so I can gain confidence and truly get out there and find someone and pursue a sexual relationship?

Hi there,

Thank you so much for your question. I can understand it may feel difficult to be so vulnerable. It can feel daunting to think about being so vulnerable with a potential partner, especially in the beginning. However, I am often of the mindset that honesty is the best policy. If you are uncomfortable being completely honest, would it feel ok to reveal you have limited experience with sexual activity; allowing a potential partner to be compassionate and supportive? 

As for the topic of masturbation, I would suggest making curiosity and exploration the focus. Be curious about what feel pleasurable in terms of sensations, pressure, speed. This can help you to determine what you enjoy and eventually communicate this to a partner. If you feel Like it would be helpful to talk to someone about ways your lack of experience affects your ability to put yourself out there in terms of dating, sex therapy can be very helpful to parse out facts from fiction and dispel long held myths. 

ESW

Dear esw, Can I get an std from doing autosodomy (inserting my own penis in my own ass) without protection? I didn't have any stds before performing autosodomy.

Hi there,

If you do not currently have any STIs you will not transmit or contract an STI from autosodomy. 

ESW

Dear esw, I am 59 years old, my problem is that my wife was sick for 3+ years, during that time we had little to no sex. My penis has shrunk from about 6” to just about 3”. What can I do to get at least some of my length back. I purchased a bath mate and have been using it for about 3 weeks and have had no change. Is there some supplement I could take?

Hello,

With a lack of regular erections the penis can experience shrinkage of 1-2 inches. Unfortunately there is little scientific support that supplements increase penis size in adults.

ESW

Dear ESW, i’m a teenage boy and of course my sexual hormones are raging. I see it everywhere that masturbation is bad for you but I hear from some that it’s good for you. What's the true answer? I get urges so bad, will they ever stop being as bad as i get older? Overall i just wanna know if I masturbate like once a week will i be fine? I don't wanna feel tired or lose muscle gains or like be depressed from it, like I've heard from some people.

Hi there,

Masturbation is a completely healthy and effective way to explore your sexuality throughout your lifetime. The urge to self pleasure or self explore is typically heightened during puberty and adolescents and may fluctuate throughout your life. As long as it is not inhibiting you from engaging in other pleasurable activities or interfering in your daily life, it’s nothing to be concerned about. 

ESW

Dear ESW, I have an issue where when I get really turned on, I feel like I am going to throw up and sometimes have to stop myself from doing so. I am never anxious or nervous when it happens and am always in an otherwise normal state. It is difficult when I have to stop what I am doing with a partner to make the feeling of throwing up stop. I have never heard of anyone else having this problem. Can you explain what this is and let me know how to stop it?

Hi there,

Engaging in sexual activity can be emotional, exciting, and anxiety provoking. It’s possible your body is producing hormones that are making you feel nauseated such as adrenaline. It may be helpful to think about other instances where you have similar reactions to identify ways to cope and avoid such experiences. It may also be helpful to speak with a physician to make sure there aren’t any medical concerns or a mental health professional to identify any underlying or subconscious factors that are contributing to your sexual experiences.

ESW

Dear ESW,

Is there a way to get rid of a strange kink that I have? For example, a urine kink? I've had it for way too long and am extremely ashamed of it. Nothing else turns me on and I wish to change my mindset.

Hello,

I completely understand feelings of discomfort around kinks. Our culture places judgment on certain kinks more than others and I want to gently remind you that most consensual sexual activities are safe and nothing to be ashamed of. There are ways to shift your desires and turn ons. It can be helpful to speak to a sexologist or sexual health professional to identify ways to incorporate different stimuli into your sexual routine.

ESW

Dear esw,  I have been in a happy relationship for almost 2 years. In the last few months, I have noticed that we are not having much sex anymore. And if we do it’s only ever with toys or very sub par. Not sure what has changed here.- Annoyed husband.

Hello,

It is very common for people in sexual relationships to encounter desire discrepancy at some point in their relationship. Desire discrepancy occurs when frequency, style, position or timing don’t align. It is also very common for desire to fluctuate over time for many individuals. We encourage direct communication when possible to address such discrepancies. Can you engage in open and curious dialogue about your wants and needs and express a desire for different or more frequent sexual activity? Sometimes it’s helpful to have a professional to aid in these vulnerable conversations as they can be emotional and triggering for some.

ESW

Dear esw, I have a best friend who does sex work, they have a social media account where they upload photos and stuff and accept payments for more explicit photos. We've been friends for many years before this even started and they told me about but did not share the account. I've liked my friend for some time now, I even confessed my feelings but they told me they wanted to stay friends. I accepted it and tried to move on, but ever since that happened I developed an obsession with them and started having sexual fantasies and even masturbated to their photos. I didn't really feel anything about it until I recently found the account they use for sex work, I just couldn't resist and ended up masturbating to the photos. It honestly didn't feel good but I couldn't stop, I feel really guilty now after doing it and can't stop thinking about how disgusting I am. I feel the need to tell my friend but I'm sure it will make things weird, I don't know how to get over this obsession. Should I be honest to them? Did i do something bad? I have to add that I found the account by indirectly looking for it, I was curious if I could find it and well I did. I think that's what makes me feel bad, may be if I had randomly found it it would be different, but the fact I was looking for it means part of me wanted to see those photos and I didn't realize how bad it would make feel after.

Hi there,

I know it can feel bad when we engage in behavior that may go against our morals and values. It sounds like you are having difficulty accepting the rejection of your friend and are finding ways to engage with them to satisfy the desire to be with them. It may be helpful to speak with a mental health professional if you are feeling your behaviors and actions feel compulsive or addictive. Therapists and counselors can help you identify ways to be more conscious in the decisions you make and help you understand your desires and choices. It is so very painful when our feelings are not reciprocated. 

ESW

Dear esw, What happens if my semen and sperm dry out on my forearm and belly ? Will it cause a serious infection?

Hello,

Dried semen on your body does not typically lead to infection unless you are allergic to semen. It may cause irritation, as may any dried substance on the skin, however it is typically not a cause for concern. 

ESW

Dear ESW, what is a blended orgasm? I’ve been told it’s where two or more orgasms combine at the same time but I’ve also been told it’s not multiple orgasms just multiple pleasure points being stimulated which results in a blended orgasm. I want to know because I don’t know if I’m having a clitoral and vaginal orgasm or just a clitoral orgasm with the vaginal stimulation enhancing the pleasure as I can’t climax with vaginal stimulation alone. Thanks.

Hi there,

A blended orgasm is when a clitoral orgasm and vaginal orgasm occur at the same time. Vaginal stimulation can enhance pleasure you are experiencing. And can also be the source of said pleasure. 

ESW

Dear esw, I suffer with premature ejaculation, I ejaculate anywhere from instantly to 30 seconds. The girls laugh and tease me about it. What can I do to help with this?

Hello,

Sex therapy can be helpful to aid in learning how to delay ejaculation. Utilizing aids to dull sensations such as condoms can also be effective and provide protection from unwanted pregnancy and STIs. Some people find constriction rings or cock rings placed at the base of the penis to be helpful in delaying ejaculation. It is also important to find partners who are compassionate and kind and provide grace as you navigate and practice some techniques. 

ESW

dear esw, I recently got married. My wife and I are trying to have intercourse, but even after arousal and her getting wet, the vaginal hole was not big enough for me to penetrate or to insert 2 fingers together comfortably. We have been using enough lube as well.


We realized that her hymen might be intact so I would have to apply a bit more pressure. We tried doing that 3 times. Turns out, she feels a lot of pain and she says that it feels like I am hitting a wall. Are there any medications we can take or anything we can do to break this initial barrier to enjoy the sex? We feel like we're not getting aroused to our full potential even after foreplay. Should we go for a libido booster or arousal gel for her and libido booster or a Viagra for myself? We are getting very stressed and anxious about this issue.

Hello,

I am sorry your wife is experiencing painful penetration. People who experience painful sex can benefit from pelvic floor physical therapy to help loosen or strengthen their pelvic floor muscles. Sex therapy can also be helpful to identify any psychological or emotional factors that may be contributing to her pain. 

ESW

Dear esw, I recently tried anal sex with my boyfriend. It was my first time so we started with some butt plugs. We went progressively bigger until we reached about the width of his penis (using plenty of lube along the way). The sex with him was fine, I wouldn't say I hated it or loved it. My concern is it's been 4 days in a row where there is blood in my stool. No pain, just blood. Is it common to have blood this long?

Hi there,

While it is common for minor fissures to occur during anal sex, bleeding for multiple days can be a sign it is not healing. I would recommend contacting your medical provider if it does not stop or improve. 

ESW

Dear esw, Can pregnancy occur from dry humping fully clothed?

Hello,

In order for pregnancy to occur, sperm needs to enter the vaginal canal. It is highly unlikely for sperm to be able to penetrate through clothing. It is important to note that clothing is porous and a proper barrier method offering protection, like a condom, is the safest way to prevent pregnancy and STIs.

ESW

Dear esw, I have been with my partner for a couple of months and we are ready to go all the way. I need some advice. My partner is transgender and I have never been with someone else who has a penis. What do I need to do to make her feel good and do I need to do something to prepare for the night?

Hi there,

Regardless how your partner identifies, it is often helpful to communicate and ask questions. Be curious about your partner’s pleasure, their comfortability and their boundaries. Each individual is different and experiences pleasure differently. I think you are asking wonderful questions and I encourage you to direct them to your partner. 

ESW

Dear esw, I'm curious to know why, when I masturbate and try to insert my fingers into my vagina, it does not please me at all. Is that normal? Thanks.

Hello,

Some people find pleasure in vaginal insertion while others find clitoral stimulation to be pleasurable and some find both to feel good. There is nothing wrong with not finding finger insertion to be the source of the majority of your pleasure. It is also possible that items with more girth, like a toy or penis, will be more pleasurable to you. This takes exploration and a willingness to be adventurous with an open mind. 

ESW

Dear ESW, I recently had a professional massage and the therapist massaged my scrotum which was a bit painful. She said this will have health benefits so I endured it. Is this actually healthy ?

Hello,

The scientific data is not conclusive on this but some argue and claim that testicular or scrotum massage can affect testosterone production. However, this is not a typical act for a professional masseuse. Please remember that a professional and certified massage therapist would ask permission to touch any part of your body and will not offer to massage genitalia.

ESW

Dear esw, My partner is unable to ejaculate during penetration. We want to get pregnant but he doesn’t do what he’s supposed to do which is to come inside me. He always wants me to finish him off orally or give him a handjob or he masturbates and I pleasure him by licking his balls. I don’t know why he can’t ejaculate inside me. I am afraid to ask him the question and maybe he also does not know the answer. He was only able to do it once or twice in our four years of being together.

Hello,

There are many reasons someone may have difficulty ejaculating inside a partner. If your partner is willing, I would encourage him to see a medical professional to eliminate the possibility of a physical component. Emotional and mental factors at play as well. Meaning that your partner may have subconscious or conscious feelings, fears, judgments attached to ejaculation or ejaculating in another body. It may be helpful for your partner to speak with a sex therapist to determine what is causing the difficulty. 

ESW

Dear ESW, how do I know if I’m asexual or demisexual? For the record, I’m a 32 year old male. I had several serious girlfriends in my teens and early twenties, and had a ridiculously high libido then (sex was my main goal), but things slowed down significantly after that. I’ve been single for two years as of this writing, and I was single for almost seven years before my last relationship, excluding a short-lived long distance thing with a good female friend that included some sexting / phone sex. But the thing is, it didn’t and doesn’t bother me much. It seems to bother others in my life how long I stay single more than it bothers me. I don’t think about sex all that often. I do watch porn and masturbate almost daily, but that’s more of a habitual thing before I go to sleep. Sex isn’t a motivating factor for me anymore. I just don’t seem to care and tend to spend my time occupied with other things. The reason I throw out demisexual is that I’ve had no sexual contact with anyone I didn’t have an established relationship with of some kind, and I prefer it that way. It’s hard for me to want to go out and pursue strangers. I’ve never had a one night stand. If not asexual, then maybe my libido has just declined significantly over the years? Or maybe the habitual porn use has killed it? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy sex when I have it, I just don’t feel the need to have it often.

Hello there,

I know it can be confusing as you age and things shift and change. Know that desire levels shift and change due to so many factors. First of all your hormone level decreases after adolescence and young adulthood. It is very common for desire levels to fluctuate as we age. Another factor that contributes to desire level is stress. When most of us are young, our stress levels are low and we feel more carefree. As we age and take on more responsibility our stress increases. We can also experience more moments of both mental and physical exhaustion. All of these factors play a role in desire level. Also the idea of being demisexual or preferring to be in a relationship of some kind with an individual before being sexually active with them is simply a preference. Although I am reassuring you that what you are experiencing is “normal”, if you would like to explore this topic more, I would encourage you to speak with a sex therapist or mental health professional. 

ESW

Dear ESW,

I have been curious to know one thing, when me and my wife have sex after I ejaculate I go to the bathroom and wash off the sperm from my penis with water and soap and dry it. Right after that we go for a second round, so my question is does this carry a risk of pregnancy? Is there any sperm left on my penis that can cause pregnancy?

Hello,

It is important to note that the only 100% effective way to prevent pregnancy is abstinence. It is also important to note that erect penises have pre-ejaculate on the tips which do often contain sperm. That being said, it is uncommon for pregnancy to occur from pre-ejaculate, but not unheard of. If pregnancy is a concern, we encourage condom use prior to penetration.

ESW

Dear ESW, i am a female. the only way i feel sexual pleasure is through fingering or grinding on a pillow. not sex, vibration, nor oral stimulation. why is this and how can i change it?

Hi there,

Different sensations feel different to different people. Think of it like taste buds. Just because some people like a certain food doesn’t mean that you will and it certainly doesn’t mean anything is wrong. If you are not experiencing pain or discomfort from sex or certain sexual activity, I would assume this is simply a matter of preference. I would encourage you to explore different sensations with an open mind and curiosity. Observe what feels pleasurable and what doesn’t. If you are still concerned about your experience, it may be helpful to meet with a sex therapist to explore any subconscious or conscious thoughts or judgments placed you associate with sex and pleasure. 

ESW

Dear ESW, I was giving my boyfriend a hand job and I got some cum on my hands. I washed them off and then went to the bathroom. I am now concerned that sperm could have transferred onto my toilet paper and got in me. is that possible?

Hi there,

It would be incredibly unlikely to become pregnant from the scenario you just described. Although sperm can survive outside the body for up to an hour, the conditions would have to be optimal and mirror that of the body. Soap and water would most likely kill any sperm on your hands. If you are ever concerned about accidents involving sperm, please remember that emergency contraceptives are available and effective at preventing pregnancy depending on your cycle.

ESW

Dear ESW, I'm a straight married man who likes to be submissive to my wife. I also like my wife to use any type of anal toy in my asshole. How do i get my asshole ready for bigger sex toys?

Hello,

When engaging in anal play, we always encourage lubricant and going slow. When engaging with bigger toys we would encourage the same thing. Also, make sure not to insert anything without a flared base. Going slow and gradually adding girth to your toys can be helpful. Direct and honest communication can also be helpful.

ESW

Dear esw, I'm curious to know why, when I masturbate and try to insert my fingers into my vagina, it does not please me at all. Is that normal? Thanks.

Hi there,

Sexual pleasure is very subjective and is different for everybody and every body. I encourage you to explore your body and observe what is pleasurable to you. Know that the clitoris has millions of nerve endings and many people find this to be the sexual pleasure center for their bodies. Its sole function is pleasure. Some individuals only experience sexual pleasure through clitoral stimulation while others find enjoyment through penetration. There is no right way to experience pleasure (with consent).

ESW

Dear ESW, I have a problem with my wife not finding me sexually attractive anymore. I have a high sex drive and cannot accept a life without sex. She however, having now gone through menopause, has no desire. What should I do?

Hi there,

Desire discrepancy can be problematic in sexual relationships especially when the discrepancy is drastic. It can be helpful to engage in couples therapy to problem solve together so you both are getting some needs met. Some couples open their marriage and engage in ethical non-monogamy while others explore ways to be intimate outside of vaginal sex. And still other couples find the discrepancy too grand and choose not to continue a sexual and/or emotional relationship. 

ESW

Dear ESW, I am a man. So I have tried several times to have sex. First with my girlfriend (2 years ago). And last week with someone else. But every time we want to start sex or foreplay my dick gets limp. It's not that I don't find my partner attractive because I certainly do. I have absolutely no idea and find this very difficult myself and find it hard on my partner myself because it seems like I don't find them attractive.

Hello,

I am so sorry you are experiencing difficulty maintaining an erection. There are many reasons this may be occurring. It may be helpful to meet with a urologist to make sure there are no medical components or complications contributing to the ED. It can also be helpful to speak with a sex therapist to help you understand the factors contributing to ED such as anxiety, over thinking or any other emotional components. Engaging in mindfulness and focusing on body sensations/ pleasure can help you to stay in the moment and not overthink what is happening. Sometimes the anxiety of losing the erection is the actual cause of the loss of erections. Talking to a therapist and practicing mindfulness have been proven to be very helpful. 
ESW

Dear ESW, I've been devoting myself to celibacy this year to build up my energy and connection with myself. Nothing religious, just trying to explore myself a bit more, I am 24 now. A few days ago though, a sexual encounter (one-night stand) happened in which I wasn't very keen on participating in but gave in after consistent persuasion. It felt ok. But I woke up the next morning feeling absolutely drained and ruined, feeling like I have given up a part of myself and stressing terribly about my failure. He called me the next day to tell me just how wonderful he has been feeling since the encounter. And it made me so angry. He did not ask how I had felt about the situation, but I told him anyway, how I regret it and I never want to see him again - which he just laughed off. He is now blocked, but that second interaction has made me feel even worse, I have not been able to meditate or feel connected to myself since. I have no energy. I think because I have been stressing so bad about that encounter, today, after 4 days since it happened, I started bleeding. Not much, in spots throughout the day, and I can't help but feel like my body is punishing me, and my heart hurts greatly. I genuinely don't mean to be dramatic, I am usually a very rational person, but I feel quite lost right now. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

Hello,

I am so sorry you had that experience. It also sounds like your partner did not fully respect your consent if you felt coerced. And I know feelings of regret can be difficult to sort and process. Although I understand you had intended to remain celibate this year, there is nothing “wrong” with sexuality and sexual pleasure. It is understandable to be disappointed in oneself when goals are not reached, engaging with grace and empathy for yourself can help to give understanding to imperfection. It can be helpful to speak with a therapist to help process feelings of regret and to understand your decision making process and to help support future goals. 
ESW

Dear ESW, my wife and I got married a few weeks ago. For personal reasons, we saved sex for marriage. I’m actually struggling to penetrate her. I’m not the largest guy (maybe average), and she’s tight. All the online advice is the same, “try different positions, more foreplay, use lube.” However, foreplay and lube haven’t helped; we’ve tried a few different positions. I feel like I can’t physically reach her vagina, then when I get close I fall out. Then I go soft from struggling, trying to make it work. I can get hard again quickly enough, but by the time I’m ready to try again, we both feel demoralized. Nothing we do seems to work, and it’s frustrating both of us. What can we do?

Hello,

Congratulations on your marriage. I want to first start by validating your experience and lack of knowledge. In American culture, we do not encourage dialogue about sex or sexuality which leaves most people uneducated about the topic. Sometimes sex can take practice, trial and error and patience. I encourage you to try not to get discouraged and reframe sexual encounters to be filled with curiosity and play, focusing on pleasure rather than penetration and orgasm. Working with a sex therapist can provide support, education, ideas and validation. I would encourage you to contact a clinician and work together to improve your experience. 

ESW

Dear Esw, So my boyfriend and i were having sex every day sometimes multiple times a day and he has always made me cum then I found out he was cheating fast forward its been a year since and I feel like his penis doesn't get as hard as it usually did he forces his soft penis in me till he gets hard most of the time he can't get hard and when he does it's over in 3 min whereas before it always lasted an hour or more only difference between now and then is he isn't cheating I'm not sure what to think


Hello,

Often times there is a connection between emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. If either of you are dealing with unresolved feelings associated with the infidelity it may be affecting your physical intimacy. It may be helpful to meet with a therapist to process the infidelity and engage in repair work.

ESW

Dear ESw, I’m a 49 year old virgin male. I really think that is preventing me from putting more effort into dating. I’m OK with being rejected if I ask somebody out because it’s part of the game, but seeing how I grow attached to a woman that shows the slightest bit of interest in me, if I actually slept with someone and was rejected after the fact because my inexperience came through, it would be tough for me to handle, as I have dealt with depression and anxiety for many years. And yes, I am aware of the scarcity mindset. I do wonder if I have low testosterone or even if I’m on the asexual spectrum. No matter how many how-to videos I watch about sex, it doesn’t beat the real thing and you can’t just go and practice it. Thoughts as to how I can get over my anxieties and enter the dating/sexual world after a very late start?


Hi there,

I am so glad you reached out. I truly believe that we are all on our own paths in life and engage with relationships how and when we can. It sounds like although you have some interest in sex you have not had the opportunity to explore your own sexuality, which may be helpful before you partner. Understanding where you fall on the sexuality spectrum may provide you with more confidence and self understanding. It may be helpful to explore these themes with a sex therapist to gain understanding around how your anxieties affect your ability to put yourself out there to potential dates. 

ESW

Dear ESW, Can anal sex only without ejaculation but have pre-ejaculation lead to pregnancy?

Hi there,

For pregnancy to occur the penis must come in contact with the vagina and ejaculation must occur. Pregnancy can not occur if the penis is solely penetrating the anus.

ESW

DEAR ESW, I have a strange issue. I understand that most women have clitoral orgasms, usually from stimulation by hand or mouth, or a sex toy. I have not been able to bring myself (nor has my partner) to orgasm that way. There is only one way I have ever been able to orgasm and when I'm on top of my partner, grinding and such. No one is touching my clitoris and I'm just completely in tune with my body and I move either fast or slow, hard or soft, depending on the moment. While I'm very pleased I can orgasm that way, I still wish I could orgasm the other way. Especially since the way I do it takes a lot of energy and as I get older it may become more difficult. Why do you suppose I'm this way and is there any way I can learn to orgasm the other ways?

Hello,

Each individual experiences orgasms from different stimuli. Some people are able to orgasm from vaginal penetration while others find clitoral stimulation to be necessary. It is possible your clitoris is being stimulated in the sexual position you are describing. It is also possible that you experience the most pleasure from both vaginal and clitoral stimulation. I would encourage you to explore your body with curiosity and to focus on pleasure rather than orgasm at first. See what feels pleasurable to you and go from there. It can also be helpful to speak with a sex therapist to determine barriers to clitoral orgasms.

ESW

 I started the pill approximately 2 weeks ago and I don’t really get horny anymore. I’ve always been straight and attracted to men and masculinity but since the pill I don’t really feel any attraction to my boyfriend. My body gets horny, I get wet. But it’s more of a medical scientific type thing rather than a sexual personal thing. I don’t want to do anything about it. But when it comes to girls I actually get horny, physically and emotionally if that makes any sense. I know I’m still in love with my boyfriend but why doesn’t he make me horny anymore and why do girls make me horny?

Hi there,

It is very common for the birth control pill to affect desire levels. It can be worth speaking with your doctor if you do want to address this dip in desire level/horniness. However, the pill does not affect sexuality. Being attracted to specific genders is not related to the pill but may be related to expanding sexuality. Since sexuality is on a spectrum, you may be more aware of attractions at different times in your life. I also think it is important to distinguish between sexual identity and monogamy. One can be attracted to multiple genders and remain monogamous to an individual. Just because you are attracted to women doesn’t it mean that you can’t be in a committed relationship with your boyfriend. If you would like to explore your sexuality further, it may be helpful to speak with a therapist. 

ESW

DEAR ESW,

Something's been in my mind for sometime.I am a Uncircumcised male(23). I can freely pull back my foreskin with ease when my penis is flaccid, But during an erection, I can't freely pull back the foreskin with ease unless I use enough lube or oil to do it. if I don't use lube it feels tight and painful to pull back the foreskin. is this normal ? Or should I actually be able to pull back my foreskin quite freely with ease during an erection even without the use of lube or oil ?

Hi there,

When pulling back the foreskin on an uncircumcised penis it is important not to force it or engage with any pulling that causes pain. If you are experiencing pain, contact your medical provider and they may be able to provide you with a steroid cream that may help to soften the skin making it easier to pull back without pain or irritation. 

ESW

Dear ESW, my sex life with my girlfriend is at its peak, I love being in full control, she is always telling me she never felt these feelings or that good before or I can’t explain what I experienced. She will orgasm 2 max 3 times and it goes on for at least 20-30 seconds. My question is how would I know if it’s just her or am I a sex guru without experimenting with another female?We have been together since we were 16 and now we are 40. Thank you.

Hello,

I am so glad you and your girlfriend are experiencing peak intimacy. The idea of being “good at sex” is so subjective to each partner. In my opinion, the variables that indicate whether someone is good at sex or not is their ability to be curious about their partner’s pleasure, be open to feedback and be tuned in to their partner’s verbal and non verbal cues. It is more important that you are a safe and approachable partner which can lead to increased intimacy and pleasure. 
ESW

Dear ESW, 

I've never had much of a sexual appetite, but now after a period of menopause, I'm all of a sudden having a major sex drive. I'm mostly just leaning into it, but have a couple of questions. Sometimes I get really turned on, masturbate and then lose it halfway. Is that normal? Also I worry about vaginal intercourse. It always hurts since I'm very tight, and a lot of times I don't even let the man in. The anticipation of the pain makes me tighten up more. My partner and I have had mostly oral sex since that works for both of us, but now I'm interested in sex with this man I have a major crush on, and do not want this to be an issue (no worries my partner has been unfaithful before and the question is not about that). Thank you so much, I feel like I have nowhere to turn with questions like these. 

Hello,

Shifting hormones can affect your desire level and the ways you experience pleasure and intimacy. I am glad you are embracing this change. The ability to experience an orgasm can be complicated as it deals with both the physical and mental aspects of intimacy. One can be feeling pleasure and arousal but they can be distracted or find their mind wandering. Even placing too much intention on the orgasm can make it elusive and difficult. Focusing on the bodily sessions you are experiencing can be helpful to stay in the moment. I am sorry you are experiencing painful penetration. There are both relaxation techniques that can help alleviate pain during penetration as well as exercises and dilators that can help to aid in practicing expanding and relaxing during penetration. It can also be helpful to talk with a sex therapist and explore any thoughts or feelings you have associated with penetration. 

ESW

Dear ESW, Me and long time girlfriend love our sex life, we orgasm multiple times and I get off pleasuring her in every possible way and she tells me if we ever break up we will never stop having sex. Now my problem is I also am addicted to watching guys thru porn and very curious. But when I ejaculate after porn I have total regret and I feel disgusted. I’m so confused, I love having sex with girls and I get hot and heavy but certain guys get me really going as well. Please help me shed some light.

Hi there,

First and foremost i want you to know that there is nothing wrong with finding both men and women (or any gender) attractive and intriguing. We think of sexuality as being on a spectrum and most people falling somewhere on that spectrum while some people may fall at the extremes (homosexual or heterosexual). It sounds like you are experiencing your own sexuality on that spectrum. It is possible that some of the disgust you are feeling after watch guys through porn has to do with conscious or subconscious beliefs or judgments you have about homosexuality. You may find benefit in talking to a professional to determine what sexuality means for and to you. 

ESW

Dear ESW, Is it normal for a girl to masturbate on her belly? I just lie on my belly, don’t even take my panties off, and rub my pussy with my whole hand (almost in a clenched fist position). I don’t use one or two fingers and I don’t aim particularly for the clit. I just rub where if feels good until I reach a point where it keeps feeling better and better, I start moaning, breathing fast, and i end up with muscles spasm, shaking and exhausted. Does that mean I reached an orgasm? I get wet but I don’t get *so* wet, so I’m not sure.

Hello,

There is no right or wrong way to engage in self exploration or masturbation. Sexual pleasure is personal and unique to each individual. If you are experiencing pleasure, then you are “doing it right”. Orgasms can also look different depending on the individual. People experience varying levels of wetness and intensity of orgasms. I hope this is helpful.

ESW

Dear ESW, I want advice IDK whom to ask…so my boyfriend is kind of childish and he doesn't really know how to flirt, he says weird things that just makes me grossed out. also he recently sent me unsolicited dick videos and pics and I want to tell him all this but I am afraid that this will affect him and his view of body positivity will change i don't want to hurt him but i am fed up of this behavior and he is so stupid he overthinks everything and its hard to communicate about this stuff and idk what to do maybe i did a mistake coming in a relationship

Hi there,

It sounds like this is a communication and boundary issue. You have every right to have boundaries and it sounds like it is difficult for you to communicate your wants and needs because of your concern for how your partner will respond or interpret it. Communication is incredibly important in a relationship and having space to do so is essential. I wonder if there is space for you to express boundaries in a way that is empathic and compassionate that he might hear and be able to support. If you have tried communicating your needs and your partner is not able or willing to adhere to them it may be worth thinking about whether this is the right partner for you. Sometimes couples need help navigating these tough conversation and can benefit from couples counseling. 

ESW

Dear ESW, I had my first sex when I was 17 so I had frequent sex. Now I’m 20 and I didn't have sex for the last year. But I masturbate sometimes and I do clitoris simulation. Recently I’m noticing that my inner labia is quite looser than before. I’m very worried. Why my labia isn’t firmed like before?

Hello,

The labia is made up of skin and tissue and can change color and shape throughout your life. As you grow and mature, so do other body parts. It could be that your body was still going through puberty and is still growing and maturing. It is also possible that you are paying more attention to your labia as you are masturbating more and are just noticing the size and shape. If you are concerned you can always seek medical consultation.

ESW

Dear ESW, My husband and I have been married for 10 years, together for 13. We’re happy and in love and have a good sex life but he loves receiving oral sex and I have a weird hang up about bodily fluids. He drops hints often and I know he’d be happy if I’d do it here and there but I just don’t WANT to. How can I overcome this? He loves doing it for me and is a very unselfish partner and I’d like to be the same for him.

Hi there,

I want to start by validating your sexual preferences. It is okay that you do not find certain sex acts pleasurable. It is also admirable that you want to be able to please your partner and fulfill his wants and desires. It can be helpful to understand the aversion to bodily fluids and what you are afraid of, don’t like, and why. I am also wondering if there can be compromise where you start providing oral sex but he does not ejaculate in your mouth? Some times it can be helpful to talk to a sex therapist either individually or as a couple to identify the root of your discomfort  and ways to compromise and troubleshoot.

ESW

Dear ESW, My partner and I recently suffered a surprise miscarriage, 2 months if correct. After this, we still love each other but we don't hug, cuddle, kiss or do much anymore. We have had sex twice since then and I could not finish even after nearly 30 minutes as I feel scared and ashamed that I contributed to what happened. How do we move past this? Or is it time to start taking medication that nullifies sex drive and all urges or is our relationship finished?

Hello,

I am so sorry for your loss. Miscarriage can be difficult and complicated to process. All of your emotions and concerns are valid and make sense. Have you been able to communicate how you are feeling with your partner? Have you been able to communicate your fears and guilt? It may be helpful to talk with someone as a couple to learn how to mourn this loss individually and as a couple.

ESW

Dear ESW,

This may be a silly question, but I’m new to sex and all…My man ejaculated outside me, but then his penis touched my vagina a few times. Can that cause pregnancy even though it wasn’t ejaculated inside the vagina specifically? Then he put a condom on and we had sex.

Hello,

I do not believe in silly questions and I am so glad you asked. Becoming pregnant from sperm or a penis with sperm on it touching the vulva (the external area surrounding the urethra and vaginal canal) is possible but extremely unlikely. Sperm has to travel through the vaginal canal to the fallopian tubes in order to fertilize an egg. Sperm also can not live very long outside the body. However, for the most effective protection against unwanted pregnancy and STI transmission we encourage condom use the entire time you are engaging with an erect penis near the vaginal opening. 

ESW

Dear ESW, it's my second month of taking althea pills. today is the 4th day of taking pills after my 7 days period. I had unprotected sex, should i drink emergency pills?

Hello,

Oral contraception is effective after taking it for one month. If you have been taking your birth control pills regularly as directed you should not need to take emergency contraception. 

ESW

Dear ESW, I’m happily married but hate having sex. Pretty much haven’t liked it all my life. The smells, sounds, feelings…all of it is a turn off. Nothing gets me “excited”. I feel bad because my kind and loving husband wants to make love but I literally never want to. What do I do? I feel broken and I wish I could meet his needs in that department.

Hi there,

I am sorry you are feeling broken. Sexuality is a spectrum and some people fall into the category of asexual which means they do not find sex appealing or pleasurable. It is possible you were just born this way and there is nothing wrong with that. It is also possible that societal, religious or familial messages have influenced how you view and experience sex. It may be helpful to speak with a trained therapist to determine how you identify and ways to be in a romantic relationship with someone who does not identify as asexual. If you feel that you are sexual in nature and need help navigating a desire discrepancy with your partner, speaking with a couples counselor can be very helpful too.

ESW

Dear ESW, so my question is is it okay to crave sex a lot like every time?

Hi there,

There is no correct or right level of desire or craving for sex. As long as it doesn’t interfere with your lifestyle, partnerships, relationships or daily activities, it is nobody’s business but your own. 

ESW

Dear ESW, Sometimes, I feel the urge to masturbate, even if I'm not aroused. What do I do?

Hello,

Masturbation serves many purposes and can be acted on for many reasons. Masturbation and pleasure may be sought out to relieve stress, connect with your body, out of boredom and so many other reasons. I am curious what is distressing about the urge to masturbate when not aroused. If there is self judgment it may be worthwhile to speak with a mental health professional to explore some of these feelings and judgments. 

ESW

Dear ESW, I'm aware of how vagina owners need clitoral stimulation to feel pleasured during sex, I was wondering how I, born as a male, could help my partner feel good during penetration?

Hi there,

I am so glad you are concerned with and interested in your partner’s pleasure. I encourage you to be open and start a dialogue with your partner(s) about how to best engage in pleasurable touch. Every body is different and enjoys different sensations, touches and sexual activity. It is helpful and important to have these conversations with each partner as each partner is a unique individual. 

ESW

Dear ESW, Do women get frustrated if their guy orgasms too quickly every time they have sex?

Hello,

While I can not speak for every woman, I can say that it is helpful and important to consider the pleasure of your sexual partners. It is often necessary to communicate about pleasure and make sure partners are satisfied with sexual experiences.

ESW

Dear ESW, 

I've never had much of a sexual appetite, but now after a period of menopause, I'm all of a sudden having a major sex drive. I'm mostly just leaning into it, but have a couple of questions. Sometimes I get really turned on, masturbate and then lose it halfway. Is that normal? Also I worry about vaginal intercourse. It always hurts since I'm very tight, and a lot of times I don't even let the man in. The anticipation of the pain makes me tighten up more. My partner and I have had mostly oral sex since that works for both of us, but now I'm interested in sex with this man I have a major crush on, and do not want this to be an issue (no worries my partner has been unfaithful before and the question is not about that). Thank you so much, I feel like I have nowhere to turn with questions like these.

Hello,

I am glad you are able to embrace your evolving and changing levels of desire as your hormones fluctuate. The idea of being able to experience pleasure without orgasm is not as uncommon as you may think. Since experiencing an orgasm is complicated and encompasses physical and emotional/ mental components, it can be common for individuals to get “stuck in their head” and be unable to orgasm. It can be helpful to focus on body sensations and pleasure during masturbation in order to orgasm. As far as painful penetration, there are many exercises one can engage in to help decrease pain during penetrative sex. Physical therapy and the use of dilators can be helpful as well. Sometimes it can be helpful to speak with a mental health professional to identify strategies and tools to help with relaxation, mindfulness and process through unhelpful beliefs about sex in general.

ESW

Dear ESW, my sex life with my girlfriend is at its peak, I love being in full contro, she is always telling me she never felt these feelings or that good before or I can’t explain what I experienced. She will orgasms 2 max 3 times and it goes on for at least 20-30 seconds. My question is how would I know if it’s just her or am I a sex guru without experimenting with another female. We have been together since we were 16 and now we are 40. Thank you.

Hi there,

I am so glad that you are enjoying and are fulfilled in your sex life with your partner. And it sounds like she is satisfied as well. I can imagine that being together so long has created a safe and comfortable relationship that allows for communication, connection and intimacy. These are the factors that create an environment to experience pleasure. To be a guru or good at intimacy one must place their partner’s pleasure at the upmost importance and be able to internalize feedback and listen to their partner about how they experience pleasure. This is what makes someone good at intimacy. 


ESW

Dear eSW, I had non penetrative sexual Intercourse. There was no sex. No dry humping. He didn't cum anywhere near me. And we made sure he washed his hands before touching or fingering me. Do i need to worry about pregnancy?

Hi there,

The components required for pregnancy are sperm coming in contact with the vagina which provides access to an egg if it has been released from the ovary. If sperm did not come in contact with the vaginal opening there is no risk of pregnancy.

ESW

Dear ESW, I'm sexually repressed. I don't allow myself to fully explore my sexual identity, as it feels wrong. Any attraction feels wrong. Any natural urges I get feel wrong. When I do give in and masturbate, I feel dirty. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, I have a romantic partner but they are uncomfortable talking about sex related things as we're both minors, and we've sort of mutually agreed that that kind of talk should wait for when we're older, but that's not the issue, the point is I just can't talk about this to anyone it feels like I shouldn't even let anyone I know personally know I have these feelings and urges, thus why I have to submit something anonymously. What do I do?

Hi there,

I am so glad you reached out. I want to start by validating your experience and letting you know that you are not alone. So many people in our culture experience shame when it comes to thinking about, talking about or engaging in sexual activity. Please know that all of the urges and feelings you may experience are completely normal and healthy driven by hormones and evolution. It can be helpful to educate yourself about the biology of sex and hormones. Feel free to check out our resources page for lots of great books and articles. It can also be helpful to speak with a professional to articulate your concerns, beliefs and just share you thoughts and feelings especially if you feel like you don’t have anyone to talk to.

ESW

Dear eSW,

I had anal sex with my bf 3 days ago. I typically experience some bloating the day after. But this time I have had some stomach discomfort, consistent bloating, and cramps. I am beginning PMS so it could be a combination of symptoms. And I am having no problem passing stools or gas. But I’ve never experienced this for so long after. Is something wrong? Or could this be normal?

Hello,

I am so sorry you are experiencing such discomfort. It is definitely possible what you are describing are PMS symptoms and bad timing. If the symptoms persist we encourage you to visit a medical professional.

ESW

Dear ESW,

Over the last year or two I have recently started having problems with my sexual function and would like to have some advice and answers on the matter. I recently turned 21 and ever since I was 17 I was heavily into cocaine, over the last year I have been slowing down and for the last 8 weeks I have been completely sober. Starting from around a year ago I started losing sexual desire, got a low libido and started having premature ejaculation problems when sober (which I never had before). The problem is I only get any sexual desire when I drink or do cocaine and I can only last long in bed while on cocaine. I took drugs due to mental issues. Around the same time I was slowing down on the drugs I got prescribed Mirtazapine an Anti-Anxiety/Depressant medication, which also causes problems in libido and sexual function (from what I have read). Basically what I want to know is which one would be effecting my sexual function more or would it be a mixture of both? Also what steps would I take to get my sexual function back to normal without the premature ejaculation problems and low libido? Thank you!

Also, since the start of this year I have also started eating healthier, working out, taking vitamins. sleeping for 7+ hours a day, limiting alcohol intake and have given up smoking and generally I have a much better lifestyle. Just need answers to know what approach to take. Once again, thank you very much and all the help I can get would be appreciated as not a lot of other people at my age have these problems. Thank you!

Hello,

I am so sorry you are experiencing sexual difficulties since making these changes to your life. Medication can certainly affect your libido and function. I would encourage you to speak to your provider and express your concerns. It may also be helpful to speak to a professional who specializes in substance use as well as sexual function to determine the cause and to give you support and interventions to try to increase your desire and function. 

ESW

Dear ESW, Is it normal for intercourse to not feel good for me? Penetration just feels weird and doing it makes me feel like I need to fart?? How to make it feel good? And how to make it not feel like I'm going to fart…

Hi there,

Enjoying or experiencing pleasure during sex can take effort and communication with partner. This can depend on the angle of your vaginal canal or anal cavity and the position, size, curvature of the penetrating object. Is it also common to need practice relaxing and connecting to your body during partnered sexual contact. Meeting with a sex therapist can you help you determine variables that may be interfering with your ability to experience pleasure.

ESW

Dear esw,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year now, and he’s never made me orgasm. To be fair though, I’ve never had an orgasm with a partner at all, past or present. I get very excited and worked up, and one second I think I might finish, and the next, the feeling totally vanishes. When I masturbate, I finish every time. And my boyfriend has been great— he’s totally willing to try new things, do pretty much whatever I ask for sexually, and he always give me attention and consideration during sex. We’ve tried sex various sex toys, lingerie, sexually explicit videos, dirty talk etc. nothing has worked for me. I love my boyfriend, I want to have this experience with him. But it’s just not happening. What should I do?

Hi there,

Experiencing an orgasm during partnered sexual contact can be very different than experiencing one by yourself or during masturbation. I am glad to hear your partner is open to communication and direction. It sounds like at times you are about to experience an orgasm, you may be addressing thoughts in your head rather than staying connected to the sensations in your body. It can be helpful to learn relaxation and grounding techniques that hep you stay present in the moment. Speaking with an expert can also help you hone the skills and see what is preventing you from remaining in your body and out of your head. 

ESW

Dear ESW,

I am curious if there is any chance of pregnancy if I gave my boyfriend oral? He finished on my chest, tasted the cum, brushed his teeth and mouth washed and then gave me oral. Are there any chances that some live sperm will end up creating a pregnancy?

Hello,

The likelihood that the sperm could survive would be highly unlikely. Sperm lives outside of the body for about 15-30 minutes and probably would not survive a good teeth brushing. If you are concerned about pregnancy, you can always obtain emergency contraception just in case. It will not harm you to take it even if you are not pregnant.

ESW

Dear ESW,

My partner hates pubic hair and we both shave just before having sex. While having intercourse, those tiny little hairs hurt my vulva and make it sore. Is there any solution for it?

Hi there,

Shaving can cause bumps and burns and cuts and thicker feeling hair especially as it grows back in. Waxing or laser hair removal can help prevent some of these irritations. Also purchasing a razor bump prevention cream or solution such as Tend Skin can help as well if waxing or laser hair removal is unavailable to you for any reason. 

ESW

dear esw,

I have some concerns about anal sex. I recently met a guy I like, but he's much larger than I'm used to. Is it dangerous to have anal sex with a penis over 7 inches in length?

Hi there,

Thank you so much for your question. Dangerous? Probably not. Pleasurable? That all depends. I always encourage trying new sexual activities with someone you feel safe and comfortable with and who you trust to listen to your needs in the moment. Will he move slowly? Will he stop if you ask him to? If so, grab some lube and have some fun exploring.  is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

ESW

Dear ESW, 

I recently gave up porn for personal reasons. I’m happy with that decision, but now when I masturbate, it can take 20-30 minutes for me to orgasm. I still use lube to avoid irritation, but it often dries up and needs multiple applications. So my question is two- fold: 1) Is there a better lube for this (I currently just use KY), and 2) is there a way to speed things up? It still feels really good, but it’s gotten harder to get over the “hump” (pun intended)?

Hi there,

There are many different types of lube that may be better suited for you. Silicone lubricants can actually contribute to lasting longer and extend the time it takes to ejaculate. However, silicon lube also lasts longer and stays slippery the longest compared to water or oil based lubricants. Uberlube, Sliquid and Back Door are great silicone lubricants. If you are looking for water based lubricant you can check out Sutil. This may be a trial and error adventure for you to determine which works best for your needs. As far as the length of time it takes you to reach orgasm it can be worth speaking with a mental health professional to explore any adverse effects it is having on your relationships, mental health and sexual health. 

ESW

Dear ESW, 

As a man, I have a question about the pull out method. After a successful round of pulling out,  when is the best time to start round 2? When do I know it is safe to proceed?

Hello,

If you are concerned about pregnancy and semen being present on your penis for penetration it’s important to know that semen is always present on the tip of an erect penis. If you wash off your penis after the first “round” of penetrative sexual activity, know that semen can live outside the body for 15-30 minutes. If this didn’t answer your question feel free to reach out to us here.

ESW

Dear ESW,

My boyfriend says he needs to mastubate and ejaculate at least 5 times a day. He makes me orally satisfy him during those times. This is not including the sex he also wants daily. To say the very least, I'm struggling to keep it from being a chore. I feel like an object at this point. I've told him as much too. How do I keep this from being a chore? It's just so often…Is that normal? He's 27 years old.

Hi there,

Sexual desire levels vary from person to person. I often struggle to use the word “normal”. Desire discrepancy is so very common in sexual relationships. It is important to find the common ground and balance when navigating these conversations. All parties involved deserve to get some of their needs met but please note that no partner meets all of our wants and needs. It sounds like you are trying to meet all of his sexual needs and in doing so may be starting to feel resentment as you have called it a “chore”. I am wondering if it might be helpful for the two of you to meet with a clinician to help you navigate the compromise of sexual activity that feels good for both of you and doesn’t cause resentment.

ESW

Dear ESW,

There is a physical incompatibility between my girlfriend and myself. She happens to be petite, and I have a very large penis. This results in a plethora of issues in bed. No matter the amount of foreplay and external lubrication, she can only take around five minutes of penetration before stopping due to pain. She will need a few days of recovery before being able to go again. My only way of satisfying her is by doing everything but penetration.⁣ Moreover, my own satisfaction is diminished when all I think about is how to not hurt her and what I should avoid doing. It takes me out of the experience. Not to mention only being half way inside her and saying goodbye to fantasies such as anal sex. A very difficult topic to talk about when all I am told is that I'm blessed and should not complain.⁣ Not sure what the solution could be but to keep suffering or change a partner.

Hello,

I am sorry you are experiencing this. I know it can be difficult to navigate. First off, I just want to validate your frustration and acknowledge the difficulty you are experiencing. I hate to think your support system is disregarding your experience. I also think it’s important to note that many people with vaginas find much of their sexual pleasure in clitoral stimulation and not penetration alone. It is very common for women not to orgasm during penetration if clitoral stimulation does not accompany it. In terms of penetration and the difficulties you are facing with it, it can be helpful to think outside the box a bit. A sexual health therapist can give you pointers, position, activities, toys and relaxation techniques to help you and your partner find satisfaction  and pleasure. It may mean that some activities you are interested in exploring may be more difficult and your partner may not be interested in exploring all of the sexual activities you would like to. Couples counseling can help the two of you navigate these conversations and negotiations.

ESW

Dear ESW,

I am a bicurious man. I’ve had experiences with other men before through sites like Grindr. These experiences have been very pleasurable for me, but they’ve also caused a great deal of anxiety because I fear family friends or potential future gfs may find out about my promiscuous behavior. What should I do?

Hi there,

It sounds like you may have some beliefs, feelings, emotions, around your sexual identity or the people in your life. I am wondering if your circle of friends and family members have negative thoughts about the LGBTQIA+ community that you are aware of and worry about your relationship with them if they find out. I also wonder what messaging you have received throughout your life about being bisexual that would make it difficult to be open with your community about your sexuality. It may be helpful to explore some of these themes with a mental health professional to determine what variables are at play. 

ESW

Dear ESW,

I have tried vaginal penetration with a dildo a handful of times now, but all it really does is hurt. What causes this? Is this normal? I don't really feel any pleasure and feel kind of bummed out about it to be honest.

Hello,

I am so sorry you are experiencing vaginal pain upon penetration. Painful penetration can be the result of vaginismus, vulvodynia or other factors that constrict the vaginal opening. I am also curious about the size of your dildo and wonder if it might be helpful to purchase a smaller toy until you feel more comfortable. The vagina is a stretchy muscular canal. Like any muscle, it can tense when we are stressed or anxious which can result in pain during penetration. If you’re able to use relaxation techniques to loosen the tension it can be helpful. It can also be helpful to speak with a therapist to understand where the pain is coming from and to help learn relaxation  and mindfulness techniques to aid in your self exploration. 

ESW

Dear eSW,

If a woman has genital HSV, is it still safe for a man to have anal sex with her?

Hi there,

HSV is transmitted when open sores are present and can be transmitted by skin to skin contact. We always encourage barrier methods of protection like internal or external condoms when engaging in sexual activity to reduce the spread of STIs in general. I would encourage you to be communicative with your partner and inquire about the presence of sores and what treatments they are utilizing, if any. Many individuals have robust sex lives when living with an STI. 

ESW

Dear ESW,

I'm looking for advice. As a current high school/future college student who won't have her own home for many years, where can I find a safe space to masturbate?

Hello,

I understand the need for creativity when it comes to privacy when you do not live alone. Bathroom time, showers or baths, or a bedroom (if not shared) can be great places to have some privacy. You may also think about WHEN, not just WHERE to find privacy. Perhaps there is a time when roommates are at class or the store that you can find some time to masturbate. 

ESW

Dear ESW,

If you only ever masturbated with a vibrator on your clit, can you still orgasm when you have sex with only a penis?

Hi there,

Using a vibrator on your clitoris will not cause inability to orgasm without it. However, many positions of vaginal penetrative sex do not stimulate the clitoris and may need additional stimulation via a hand or toy if you are seeking a clitoral orgasm. 

ESW

Dear ESW,

My romantic partner right now has no interest in sex, and I don't either, but they also don't want to masturbate. If I masturbate with porn, is that cheating even though they right now aren't looking for any sex in the relationship?

Hi there,

Every relationship has different boundaries and different behavioral contracts. The definition of cheating can be different for each relationship. I encourage you to communicate with your partner about what they are comfortable with and negotiate the terms of cheating within your unique relationship. 

ESW

Dear ESW,

Can you tell me the proper most effective way for a male to masturbate?

Hello,

Masturbation and pleasure is so unique and personal. I encourage you to take some time and explore your body, play with touch and pressure, and be curious about which sensations feel good to you. If it feels good, is consensual and safe, there is no wrong way to masturbate. 

ESW

Dear ESW,

When I have had sex, I have ended up bleeding during but not for a long period afterwards yet this time it has caused spotting. Is this because his penis is hitting my cervix during sex? Deep penetration can often be painful for me. It also takes a long time for my body to self-lubricate. I’m not sure if the bleeding is something I should be worried about or not. I also recently noticed a tear on the bottom of my labia.

Hello,

I am so sorry you are experiencing painful penetration and spotting afterwards. Oftentimes additional lubrication is needed and helpful when engaging in penetrative sex. If using condoms or toys a water based lubricant is encouraged. It is also important to be able to communicate with your partner about pain, pleasure and desire. Depending on you and your partners’ anatomies, different positions may be more/less pleasurable/painful. There are also some medical conditions that can contribute to spotting after penetrative intercourse. If you have an OBGYN, we encourage you to make sure you are up to date on your annual appointments and Pap smears.

ESW

Dear ESW,

I want to know, Is it normal to have a fetish of having a small penis?

Hello,

To be completely honest we are not a fan of the word normal when discussing consensual sexual activities. If it works for you and works for partners, it is completely normal and healthy. If it is causing you distress, it can be helpful to understand the effects it has on your relationships and mental health. If you would like to discuss this with a clinician please reach out to us here.

ESW

Dear ESW,

I have a cuckqueaning fantasy. But it's just a fantasy in my mind. I would never like to experience it in reality. My boyfriend is okay with it and says he is ready to go with anything that turns me on during phone sex. He says I should rest assured that none of us are going to act on this fantasy and it is normal to just talk about it as a turn on. I say whatever comes in mind during phone sex for myself and my boyfriend to cum. But later I can't stop thinking about it. It's like this fantasy is turning me on as well as making me sick at the same time. I constantly keep thinking that such conversations are eventually gonna ruin our relationship in some way.

Hi there,

I want to start by normalizing that sometimes sexual fantasies are just that, fantasies. Some fantasies we want to act out while others are situations we would never engage in. This is a safe way to explore kinks and other behaviors we may be curious about. When we are self critical or judge our fantasies they can be both titillating and shameful. It may be worth exploring your true feelings about this fantasy and how to either incorporate it in your sexual relationship or keep it as an individual fantasy reserved for masturbation or self exploration. A therapist can help you determine how to engage with the fantasy and how you truly feel about it.

ESW

Dear ESW,

So me and a guy were getting intimate. I went down on him for a little bit. Then we started to have sex. And then we switched positions to where now he’s getting it from behind. He stopped and laid down and told me to get on top of him. Well I grabbed him to put him inside of me and it was soft. So I started rubbing it to get it hard but it didn’t get hard. He said don’t worry about it and he held me and went to sleep. Later that afternoon he said he wasn’t sure if he came inside of me or not so he gave me some money to buy a plan B. I’m wondering did he cum inside me and if I really needed that plan B or not. He was drunk that night by the way. -ANonymous

Hello,

Unfortunately there is no way to know at this point whether he ejaculated inside you. It is possible he lost his erection due to ejaculation. It is also possible he lost his erection due to alcohol consumption or any other number of reasons.  It would be completely safe for you to take Plan B (or another emergency contraception) just in case if that is what you choose to do.

ESW

Dear ESW,

I'm a straight Male but my girlfriend wants to introduce prostate toys? Should i try them or turn them down?

Hi there,

Thank you for your question. This is a personal decision only you can make. Anal sex toys used in heterosexual sexual activities have nothing to do with one’s sexual identity. When used consensually, they can add new sensations, pleasure and connection. It is not for everyone and that is ok. We always encourage trust and communication when trying anything new. We also encourage going slow and using extra lubrication for anal sex play.  

ESW

Dear ESW,

I am a sexually dysfunctional 29 year old female who has only recently started having sex, but that's because I've never had much of a sex drive. I thought it would 'kick in' when I got married and started having sex but I've been disappointed that I get no feeling of pleasure from sex at all. I still enjoy the closeness with my partner, but my body has no reaction to it, much less getting anywhere near orgasm. I've tried a lot of different things but it's like my brain chemicals are just wrong. Help.

Hello,

I know a lack of sexual desire or inability to experience sexual pleasure can feel frustrating and perhaps worrisome. There are many external and internal factors that can contribute to the inability to experience pleasure from sexual activity. Some are external such a as messaging around sex, shame and fear. While others are internal. Have you heard of the term asexual? Asexuality refers to individuals who experiences no sexual feelings or desires or who is not sexually attracted to anyone and is included on the spectrum of sexuality. Asexual people can experience other types of attraction such as emotional and spiritual attraction. Asexual individuals can also engage in sexual activity with partners. This is typically motivated by experiencing pleasure from making a loved one happy. If you think you may fall in the category of asexual or if you would like to explore the external factors that may have contributed to your sexual experiences please reach out to us here.

ESW

Dear ESW,

I am about to go on a date with someone that I have so far interacted with only by email. She said she wanted to see if I was man enough to make her worship my cock. I would say I am "man enough" to adopt a consistently feminist position an show solidarity with women, but haven't made much use of the concept otherwise. However, I no longer try to impose my politics on other people's sexuality, having belatedly figured out that it is usually patronizing. But I read this "man enough" question as a request for some specific behavior in the bedroom. I think she wants me to insist that she do certain things that constitute "cock worship," but I do not know what these things are. If I am to take charge, I need to have a better idea of what to ask for, beyond just doing things I like. Normally I would ask her to be more specific, but this seems to violate the spirit of a request to take charge. Can you recommend any resources that address this?

Hello,

I can understand why this may be confusing and complicated. It is important to respect consent, even when engaging in power play. I would encourage you to have a conversation prior to sexual activity to create boundaries, rules and safety. Once this is established, you can safely engage in power play and meet her intimacy needs. If she is unwilling to engage in dialogue, it may be necessary to  think about whether this a good fit for you or if it feels safe to engage in power play. 

ESW

Dear ESW,

I've been sexually active for a while now and have been masturbating for longer. I've never experienced pain with sex, even when it's rough sex with deep penetration. But when I masturbate, I almost always experience pain, a brownish to straight up red (sometimes bloody looking) discharge, or a combination of the two. My toy is nearly the same measurements as my partner (on the smaller side so that we didn't have to worry about me being disappointed by him), and I use a water-based lube every time I masturbate. I also make sure I'm very warmed up beforehand because I know inserting things before your body is ready can cause pain, but I still get pain anyways. I haven't told my partner this because I'm worried he'll think that regular sex causes pain as well, but it doesn't at all. What is happening and how can I make it stop?

-Anonymous

Hello,

I am so sorry you are experiencing pain and spotting after masturbation. I am wondering about the position you are in during masturbation vs partnered sexual activity. I am also curious if the issue persists if you use your hand, fingers instead of a toy. If the pain and spotting persists I would encourage you to speak with your medical professionals, gynecologist to make sure there are no medical complications or internal factors at play.

ESW

Dear ESW,

I am a teenager, Me and my partner have been wanting sex for a little while now. But i have been scared because I am insecure about my vagina. What should I do to be more comfortable about sex with my partner?

- Anonymous

Hello,

First of all I just want to acknowledge and validate feelings of insecurity, especially around sexual activity and your body. Many individuals feel uninformed around what is normal and healthy which can contribute to insecurity. Please know that all vaginas and vulvas are different. They are different shapes, colors, sizes. And they can be asymmetrical meaning that your labia can look different from your left to right sides. All of this is very healthy and normal.Sometimes it can be helpful to bring a mirror into the bathroom and explore your own body, get to know what it looks and feels like. There may be other cultural and religious reasons you are not comfortable sharing your vulva or vagina with a partner. It can be helpful to explore these reasons with a therapist to best unlearn negative messaging around our genitalia. If you would like to speak with a clinician please contact us here.

ESW

Dear esw,

Is there a possibility that you'll get pregnant even though both of us didn't cum?

Anonymous

Hello,

There is always a possibility of pregnancy if a penis enters a vagina. This possibility increases with certain factors such as barrier methods of protection such as a condom, or full ejaculation. It is important to note that every erect penis has pre-ejaculate on the tip which can contain sperm. Although the likelihood of conception decreases when the pull out method is used, it is still possible. 

ESW

Dear ESW,

ever since me and boyfriend had sex together the first time, he has not fingered me/used his fingers internally to give stimulation. I feel this is because during our first time, I said it felt weird. It didn’t hurt, just was a new sensation to me so I didn’t quite like it at the time. Now though, I’d want to try it again but I’m not sure how I should go about telling him I would like to try it once more to see if it’s something I’d like for our future intimate moments.

- Anonymous

Hello,

I would encourage you to be direct and honest with your partner. Often times the media has us believing partners should not have to talk about the intricacies of sex and sexual intimacy. Or that what we like one day is what we want sex to look like every day. But for so many, these likes, dislikes, comforts and discomforts can change depending on a variety of factors. It is helpful to have open and honest communications with partners to be able to give and receive pleasure, connect and enjoy sexual intimacy. If you need help navigating this conversation and would like to speak with a clinician please contact us here.

ESW

Dear ESW,

Often after masturbation I go to pee, and a large amount of liquid comes out with a lot of force. I would assume this is squirting, but is it common for this to happen after masturbation (instead of during orgasm)?

Hi there,

It is very common to have to urinate after sexual activity, especially after experiencing an orgasm. This will be true regardless if it is solo or partnered sexual activity. Squirting is defined as the release of a colorless, fluid during sexual activity. Unfortunately there is little research as to the exact composition and cause of squirting. You could bring a mirror into the bathroom after you masturbate and see if the fluid is coming from your vagina or your urethra. But know it is completely normal and healthy.

- ESW

Dear ESW,

I am wondering how to best propose anal play with my partner.


- Anonymous

Hi There,

Thank you so much for your question! It can be intimidating to approach a partner about trying something new sexually. We would recommend discussing the topic outside of a physically sexual intimate time, not while you are being intimate. If you haven’t broached the topic of sexual fantasies or desires it can be a good place to start. Try discussing the broader topic and asking your partner if they have any sexual desires they have not shared before or any fantasies they would like to try. Let them know that you have wanted to try something new and ask if they are willing. If your partner is adamant in their refusal, you may need to let it go, at least for the time being. Allow them to think about it. Let them know you would be happy to answer any questions they may have about the desire, your history with it, whether you’ve engaged in the sexual act before.

Trust is essential in a sexual relationship, especially when trying something new. Make sure your partner can trust you and feels safe. If your partner agrees, make sure you have a safe word or way for your partner to be able to stop at any time they feel uncomfortable. Check in periodically to make sure your partner is comfortable and feels safe. And I always recommend safer sex practices and lots of lubricant for anal sex.

- ESW

Dear ESW,

Is it possible for a man’s size to be too big for the vagina? When I have sex I Worry he hits my cervix and it is painful. It doesn’t matter how aroused I am.

Hello,

Thank you for your question! The vagina is actually more elastic than many people think. Since the vagina is comprised of mucosal and soft tissues, it can stretch pretty easily. That being said, it is possible that the position during penis and vagina intercourse is causing discomfort or pain associated with the cervix or vaginal walls. Try varying your positions to see what is most comfortable and pleasurable for you and your partner. And although you may feel that you are well lubricated, additional lubricant can be very helpful. If you are using a latex condom, make sure the lubricant is water based so as not to compromise the condom’s efficacy. If you are still having pain, we recommend consulting your physician.

- ESW

Dear EsW,

I enjoy sex, but I almost never initiate, which frustrates my partner. What is that about?

-Anonymous

Hi there,

Thank you for your question! There are many reasons that you may be hesitant to initiate sex with your partner. Some are cultural, some have to do with safety, and others have to do with insecurities. Here are some questions to think about:

-Have you always felt hesitant to initiate sex?

-Have you ever felt comfortable initiating sex?

-Can you discuss your hesitation with your partner?

It may be helpful to talk to someone who can help you identify what is preventing you from initiating sex if this is something you wish to be different. There is no magic wand or blanket reason to explain these behaviors. If you would like to schedule an appointment with a therapist, you can contact us here!

- ESW

Dear ESW,

I am frustrated I go for long periods of time without sex. Help!

-Anonymous

Hello,

We are sorry you are feeling frustrated. Sex can be a way to feel connected to others, relieve frustration, release endorphins and just feel good! We would encourage you to think about what aspects of sex you are missing. Do you miss the connection, the pleasure, the release, all of the above? What are their ways you can experience these feelings that don’t include sex?

We also encourage you to think about barriers you are experiencing when attempting to have sex. Is it difficult to meet new people? Connect to new people? Are you mourning the loss of a previous relationship?

Going through “dry spells” when wanting to connect with others can be frustrating and lonely. If you would like to speak with a therapist, please feel free to contact us here!

- ESW

Dear ESW,

What are your thoughts on sex without condoms with a consistent partner? (I'm also on the pill).

-Anonymous

Hi there,

Thank you for your question! We would never judge anyone for how they choose to engage in sexual activity or with whom. Here is what we know: The most effective way to prevent unwanted pregnancy and the spread of STIs is the use of a barrier and non barrier methods of protection. In this instance, that means using a condom and the pill together. We also know that for some partners that is not realistic. We encourage individuals to balance the need for safety and the trust within your particular relationship.

- ESW

Dear eSW,

What is a normal frequency to have sex with your long term partner?

-Anonymous

Hello,

We get this question a lot. While we do not typically use the term “normal” there are averages depending on age, ability, gender, sexual identity and many other factors. We encourage you to think about the frequency of sex in terms of needs being met. Are all parties involved in the relationship content with the frequency of sex? If the answer is yes, then you are having enough sex. If there is discrepancy in desire for sex between partners, communication is key. Relationship counseling can be a helpful endeavor if communication is difficult. If you are interested in speaking to a therapist please contact us.

- ESW

Dear EsW,

Why can some people have multiple orgasms and others cannot?

-Anonymous

Hi there,

Having multiple orgasms often has to do with the length of an individual’s refractory period. The refractory period is defined as the period immediately following stimulation during which a nerve or muscle is unresponsive to further stimulation. This means that once the nerve or muscle is stimulated to the point of orgasm, it often needs time before it can be stimulated again. Refractory periods vary widely from person to person ranging from minutes to days. Other factors that affect refractory periods can be psychological as well as physical. For individuals with a vagina or clitoris, some may experience hypersensitivity after experiencing an orgasm which can cause pain when the clitoris or vagina are stimulated. This will make multiple orgasms difficult without a longer refractory period. Individuals with a penis can also experience hypersensitivity of the penis resulting in pain. However, the structure of the penis also lends itself to longer refractory periods. After an orgasm, the penis will lose blood flow which will contribute to the penis becoming flaccid. The ability to maintain an erection post-orgasm is typically due to medication such as viagra.

- ESW

Dear ESW,

Do you have any advice on how to stimulate arousal with low libido resulting from SSRI meds?

-Anonymous

Hi there,

Depression and antidepressant medications can cause symptoms such as low libido, vaginal dryness, and erectile dysfunction. People may also find it more difficult to have an orgasm, or may not have orgasms at all. If SSRIs work best for your mental health but not your sexual health, you are not alone. Talk to your doctor about the possibility of a lower dose or an added NDRI like Wellbutrin to help with low libido. That being said, never adjust your medication without consulting your doctor first. If altering medication is not an option, we encourage you to communicate openly and honestly with your partner(s). Sometimes it is helpful to speak with a professional, individually or relationally who can validate your experience and help you to come up with solutions that will work for you and your relationship. If you would like to schedule an appointment, contact us here.

- ESW

Dear ESW, What do you do when people who don't know what arouses them and their partner doesn't know how to experiment?

-ANonymous

Hello,

It is not uncommon for individuals to be unaware of what turns them on, especially if they do not feel comfortable exploring their own body or exploring their fantasies. Provide a safe place for your partner to communicate their fantasies, turn ons, etc- but maybe start with what turns them off. Sometimes it can feel less intimidating to express what we don’t like rather than what we do like. It can also be helpful to explore thoughts and beliefs about sex and sexuality in general, to understand what is prohibiting them from being in tune with their desires. If you would like to speak with a therapist, please contact us here!

- ESW

Dear ESW,

Is there a safe way to increase penis size over time ? If so, would you explain or provide a link?

- Anonymous

Hello,

This is a very common inquiry! The truth is that there is no safe and effect way to increase penis size. Most creams, devices and surgeries claiming to be able to increase the size of one’s penis are not effective and can cause serious side effects such as erectile dysfunction. If you are unhappy or insecure with the size of your penis, it may be helpful to talk to a professional who can help you work through these insecurities. There are plenty of ways to pleasure a partner that do not require a large penis. If you would like to speak to a professional, you can contact us here.

- ESW

Dear ESW,

I am a straight woman and not attracted to women however I watch lesbian porn when self-pleasuring. Does this mean I might like women?

Hi there,

Thank you for your question. I am sure that it must feel confusing that your sexual identity differs from the sexually explicit material you prefer to watch while masturbating, Research suggests that the most common category of pornography and sexual imagery selected by women is “lesbian”. In fact, the category is over 150% more popular among women than among men.

Many factors may contribute to this statistic. First of all, many women prefer feminist porn that focuses on emotions and how things feel versus heteronormative porn that focuses on optics. Lesbian pornography also highlights body parts that you may have which makes it easier to imagine the focus being on female pleasure. In contrast, heteronormative pornography is usually focused on the pleasure associated with a penis.

This makes lesbian porn more relatable.

It may also be helpful to understand that the use of fantasy can differ from acts you actually want to engage in. Perhaps you can think about sexuality as a spectrum rather than a dichotomy.

And finally, a gentle reminder that sexual identity is personal and may not have anything to do with sexual acts or fantasies you engage in. If you would like to speak to a therapist to explore these ideas further, feel free to contact us here!

- ESW

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Dear ESW,

What does it mean when a husband places his wife in a box, sexually (protect, nurturing, mother) which makes him sexually inhibited with her? However, with a different woman, one who is not wife material, he is uninhibited sexually with her? And he cannot overlap the two.

Hello,

This is a wonderful question that can deal with what we are taught about sex, sexuality, various sexual acts and the purpose of sex within our society. Depending on the messages your husband received throughout his life about these topics, he may have views about sex that incorporate negative thoughts and emotions. Some cultures and subcultures view sex as solely for procreative purposes and do not encourage the exploration and emphasis on pleasure. This can lead to the compartmentalizing and judging of certain sex acts and can affect sexual relationships. If you have more questions or need support, please feel free to request an appointment here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,

although I’ve been masturbating for 9 years, over the past couple of years I’ve found it near impossible to orgasm if I’m not hyperextending my legs (which pushes blood to my clitoris) and I’m using the same hand motion. Now that I’m with a long term partner, I’m frustrated that I can only orgasm alone in this one position. Is it possible this is the only way I can orgasm?

Hi there,

It sounds like you may have conditioned your body to react a certain way to certain positions while experiencing sexual stimulation. We can train ourselves to react to certain stimuli when we find a stimuli that works for us (think Pavlov’s dogs in which Pavlov trained his dogs to salivate whenever they heard a bell ring). Humans can also be creatures of habit and by nature we feel safe with predictable situations. So, you have found a routine that works for you in which the outcome of having an orgasm is predictable, similar to the mentality: “if it’s not broken, don’t fix it”. This can be both comforting and frustrating or limiting. If you would like to explore ways in which to retrain your brain and body to incorporate varying stimuli into your masturbation and orgasm routine, there are ways to address this. If you would like to speak to a therapist or schedule an appointment please feel free to request an appointment here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,

My wife has joked about using a strap-on with me for 8 years. I played it up with her, told her I would do it if that is what she wanted, even took her to a store where we could buy one. But she would not even go in. Things quieted down for a week, but now the jokes have started again. She says she does not want to do it, but I really can't tell. Help!

Hello,

I am sorry that you feel your wife is giving you mixed messages. It sounds like you want to make sure your wife is fulfilled sexually. It also sounds like you are uncertain if her request is in jest or serious. Is there any way you can request a frank and honest conversation with your wife about this topic? Do you feel comfortable discussing the topic of fantasies and sexual fulfillment with her? Does the thought of joking about this topic make you uncomfortable or bother you at all? Would you feel comfortable expressing your needs around the request to use a strap on? Do you feel like you need help navigating this conversation with her? If you would like to speak to someone further or need help navigating this conversation with your wife, feel free to reach out here.

-ESW

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Dear ESW,

I have performed oral on men for years and enjoyed it, but I feel no attraction to men romantically at all. My amorous feelings are always towards women whom I enjoy sex with just as much. Is that normal?

Hi there,

This is a great question and can be very confusing. There are several types of attraction that we can feel for another individual: sexual attraction, emotional attraction, romantic attraction, spiritual attraction just to name a few. We now understand attraction to be on a spectrum and sexual identity to be very personal and vary with each unique individual. The types of attraction above can also vary from person to person. Just because an individual enjoys sexual acts with a person (or people) doesn’t mean they are necessarily emotionally or spiritually attracted to them. So, while I don’t like to use the term “normal”, I will say it is perfectly healthy to experience varying levels and types of attraction (or none at all) throughout the entire spectrum. I hope that answers your question. If you have further questions reach out here.

-ESW

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DEAR ESW,

My penis girth size is 6 inches. Is that larger than normal?

Hello,

Thank you for your question. While we completely understand the tendency and desire to compare ourselves to others, to normalize our thoughts, behaviors and even physical characteristics, we want to remind you there is no such thing as “normal”. We are all unique and have different strengths. If you are asking about average penis size, the British Journal of Urology International finds that the average length of a flaccid penis is 3.61 inches and 5.16 inches for an erect penis. The average girth of a flaccid penis is 3.66 inches and 4.59 inches for an erect penis. If you have any other questions, please reach out here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,

I am frustrated I go for long period of times without sex. Help!

Hello,

I am sorry you are feeling frustrated. Sex can be a way to feel connected to others, relieve frustration, release endorphins and just feel good! I would encourage you to think about what aspects of sex you are missing. Do you miss the connection, the pleasure, the release, all of the above? What are the ways you can experience these feelings that don’t include sex? I also encourage you to think about barriers you are experiencing when attempting to have sex. Is it difficult to meet new people? Connect to new people? Are you mourning the loss of a previous relationship?

Going through “dry spells” when wanting to connect with others can be frustrating and lonely. If you would like to speak with a therapist please feel free to contact us here.

-ESW

Dear esw,

I am an undergrad And about to graduate college. I am starting to realize that I want to pursue sex therapy and will likely go back to school in order to start the journey. Since there are no "sex therapy" majors, I was wondering if I could get some recommendations about which education path I should take in order to achieve being a sex therapist?

Hi there,

We are so glad you submitted your question. While there are may avenues to becoming a sex therapist, it really depends on what type of therapy you want to provide. You are correct in noting there are no “sex therapy majors”, there are certificate and masters programs you can pursue. Many sex therapists obtain a masters in either counseling, social work, marriage and family therapy, or another similar field before developing a specialization. AASECT, SSTAR, and SSSS may offer some resources as far as possible mentorship and training options. Hopefully that helps!

-ESW

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DEAR ESW,

What position is best for hammer shaped penises?

Hello,

Thank you so much for your question. Unfortunately there is no one shape-fits-all answer. The shape of a penis will affect each partner differently as each body is different. It also depends on what orifice you are intending to penetrate. I encourage you to have open communication with partners to identify what position is pleasurable for all parties involved. If you need help navigating these discussions in your intimate relationships, we may be able to help. Feel free to contact us if you have further questions.

-ESW

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Dear esw,

I don’t like to masturbate at all. I’m a cis heterosexual woman and I enjoy reading erotic lit, especially if there’s a good story attached, but the physical part of masturbation does nothing for me. Part of the issue may be that I don’t seem to be as externally sensitive as other women. I don’t know why this is. I do have feeling, just not the fireworks that other women describe. I really enjoy having penetrative sex with my partner and I orgasm regularly, but I don’t enjoy receiving oral sex, and he is immensely frustrated that I’m not more knowledgeable about how my body works. I feel like I’m either physically or mentally broken and it’s crushing. While I know I should masturbate or something to learn more about myself, the thought just makes me feel miserable. Can you recommend a way to get past this mental/physical masturbation block?


Hi there,

Thank you for your question and I want to start by saying that I am sorry you are feeling broken and this topic makes you miserable. I want to validate that everybody is different and every BODY is different. It sounds like you are able to experience orgasm through vaginal stimulation but do not experience pleasure through the clitoris. One way to understand your body (how and why it works) is to speak with a sex therapist to identify which aspects of your experience are emotional and which are physically driven. I hesitate to predict the reasons behind your experience without further information. 

The other component of your question I want to address is the discrepancy between your and your partner’s desires around sexual acts. It sounds like your partner would enjoy performing oral sex on you and you do not enjoy such sexual activities. Sexual discrepancies between partners is very common and requires communication, empathy and understanding to navigate. If you are interested in speaking with a clinician on our team please contact us here.

-ESW


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Dear ESW,

My wife has a weak bladder. Most times when she sneezes or is startled she has an accident. There have been times during sex when she is approaching orgasm something happens that we assumed was from the weak bladder. I have done some online "investigating" and I have found evidence from non-professionals that it is some kind of wet female orgasm. I have not found anything from a professional or a medical website to substantiate this claim. Is there a reputable source that has clinical/anatomical information on the subject?

Hello,

Thank you so much for your question. Difficulty with bladder control can be a common issue for many women, especially if your wife has ever been pregnant and/or delivered a baby. While this can be difficult, there are options (such as pelvic floor physical therapy) to help aid in better bladder control if your wife is interested.

Female ejaculation is a real phenomenon as is releasing urine during orgasm. Both are healthy if they occur. If this is something that interferes with your ability to be intimate with each other, we encourage your wife to speak with her healthcare provider to go over some options. Relationship therapy may also help the two of you communicate better and engage in intimacy that feels comfortable for each of you.

If you are interested in speaking further and would like to schedule an appointment with one of our therapists, contact us here!

-ESW

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Dear ESW,

I am in a committed relationship since the past 6 years. A major chunk of these 6 years, say about 4.5 years was long distance. So, we engaged in sexual activities whenever we got the chance. Now, since the past 4 months, we both have moved into a new city and have a lot of opportunities for the same, but it just does not happen. My partner seems disinterested and uncomfortable even to start a conversation that has some pun in it, let alone any physical act. There has been no trust issue over these years and our communication is also quite solid. So, we discussed about this and she told me that she has had some bad experiences in the previous relationship which has suddenly started bothering her in the form of nightmares, more so after her father fell sick. I understand and support her by all means. The thing is, I came into this new city with the hope and a lot of expectations to take our sexual game to the next level, now that it was finally possible, and when it does not happen at all, it strains our relationship. As of now, we have decided to keep away all physical activities and related conversations at bay, but it just does not feel OK.

I love her a lot and have sexual urges too. I do not want this relationship to end, nor do I want to look elsewhere only for sex. How do I understand her better and what can be done to improve things in the case above?

Hi there,

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. It sounds like although you have good communication with your partner, this topic is difficult to maneuver and find compromises where all parties involved are feeling like their needs are being met. It can be a struggle to navigate these compromises especially when past trauma is involved. It might be helpful to engage in relationship counseling to learn how to provide support to your partner and find ways of getting some of your needs met as well. Sometimes a professional can help you think outside the box and provide options that you may not be aware of.

It sounds like you had expectations that were not realized and that can be frustrating. If you’d like to speak with one of our therapists you can reach us here!

-ESW

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Dear ESW,

What are your thoughts on circumcision and is it necessary? Is it ok to just keep the foreskin retracted all the time instead of circumcising?

Hello,

There are many reasons why someone may decide against or to circumcise their child, although there is no immediate medical need to do so. If a penis is uncircumcised it functions the same and retains some nerve endings that are prominent in the foreskin. Cleaning uncircumcised penises is a little different, however, and the penis owner should be taught how to properly pull back the foreskin to avoid infections.

-ESW

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Dear ESW,
Is it possible for someone to get an STD or STI from someone who has never done anything sexual with another person?

Hi there,

Thank you so much for your question. By definition, an STI, or Sexually Transmitted Infection, is an ailment that was transferred from one person to another during sexual activity. However, not all sexual activity involves genitalia. Certain activities such as kissing, and skin to skin contact can transmit STI’s such as herpes and HPV.

Other infections such as Hep B and C, HIV can be transmitted through sharing IV needles and blood transfusions (although rare). Other non sexual ways to transmit STI’s is by sharing sex toys which can carry chlamydia, gonorrhea, trichomoniasis, herpes and HIV. If you are concerned you or someone you know may have contracted an STI, we encourage you to get tested. You can also find more information about STI’s by checking out these websites:

www.cdc.gov/std/prevention
www.plannedparenthood.com

-ESW

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Dear ESW,
My wife prefers her large dildos over my more average sized penis. I'm glad she knows what she likes and wants, but this leaves me out in the cold because oral is off the table (she doesn't like it at all) and she doesn't want my penis inside of her. What are the best supplements I can take to make my penis larger?

Hello,

Thank you so much for your question. I am sorry you are experiencing feelings of insecurity around your penis size. It sounds like you are eager to please your partner and feel the only way to accomplish this is by altering your penis size. Please know there are many supplements on the market that claim to enhance penis size. Unfortunately these supplements and pumps have not been FDA approved nor have they been proven to increase penis size by a marked difference. While I understand that you are looking to explore a physical transformation, it may be helpful to also explore with your partner ways to connect intimately and experience pleasure through other means than strictly penetrative penis in vagina sex. It is important that all parties involved in sexual activity feel a sense of satisfaction in their sexual relationship but that looks different for everyone and every relationship. I am glad that you are able to find toys helpful in pleasing and satisfying your partner. It may be helpful to engage in either individual therapy and/or relationship therapy to help the two of you communicate more effectively about pleasure and satisfaction. If you are interested in speaking with a counselor or scheduling an appointment, feel free to contact us here.

-ESW

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Dear ESW,


My 5 year old daughter is constantly masturbating (started at 3 when the diapers came off). There have been times she is doing it up to 10 times an hour. We are very consistent in our message that this is something you only do by yourself, in your bedroom, with the door closed, and have put a reward system in place for her doing it in her room. However, we also have had challenges outside the home, where she will be playing with others and all of a sudden start masturbating on the playground or in school. We have been working with many professionals, as she is also autistic, but have struggled to find the right way to address. What can we do?


Hi there,

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this challenging situation with your daughter. Just a very gentle reminder that children engaging in self pleasure is about self soothing and not sex or sexuality. Oftentimes children find comfort and calm in stimulating their genitalia. It sounds like you are trying to make sure that the messaging around how you help her to understand this behavior is aimed at normalizing and not shaming her behavior. I really commend you for this stance as it is difficult and yet so important. Occupational therapy might be a good avenue to explore, or discuss with her occupational therapist if she already has one. Your work to provide consistent and persistent messaging, a reward system, and flexibility is important as you try to navigate this behavior. I know it can be exhausting, overwhelming and scary, but it sounds like you are doing what needs to be done to protect her while not shaming her. Although we do not work with children directly, it can be helpful for some parents to get counseling around this. If you feel like you need more support or direction in this arena, please feel free to contact us here.

-ESW

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Dear ESW,
In the society where I live, in Africa, some sexologists say that masturbation can be treated with medicines. They say, if we don't treat masturbation with the medicine they are prescribing, there will be consequences such as having abnormal children, lack of orgasm during sex, and cancerous reproductive organs. It seems that other societies say that there is no medicine for masturbation. Could you provide your insight on this issue please?

Hello, 

Thank you so much for your question. I want to start by saying that most societies, cultures and religions may have opinions about the morality of masturbation but there are no medical or physical adverse consequences to masturbating. Masturbation does not cause abnormalities in children, cancer or lack of orgasm. Masturbation is a way to explore one's own body, feel pleasure and sometimes results in orgasm. There is also no medicine that can stop one from masturbating. I do want to be sensitive to any cultural or religious views that might affect one's beliefs about masturbation, but we must rely on scientific facts when discussing prescribing medicine and adverse medical consequences from a sexual activity. I hope this answers your question. 

-ESW

Dear ESW,
I’m a 21 year old female and I’m a virgin. Recently, I found what seems to be either a lump or some extra flesh near my vaginal opening. I assume it has always been there since day 1, but I’m now concerned if it could be a medical condition. Can you tell me if it’s normal or not?

Hi There,

Thanks so much for reaching out! I know it can be anxiety provoking to explore our bodies and identify parts we were not previously aware of. Unfortunately the only way to identify this lump or flesh would be to see a medical professional or OB/GYN to be diagnosed. Although it sounds like it is a normal part of your body and anatomy, I am hesitant to give you medical advice without more information and without seeing you. If you would like to speak to a therapist feel free to contact us here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,


How can I find out what’s causing my loss of libido and erection? I have other symptoms like loss of sleep, depression, dehydration, and hair loss too. Do you think this is all caused by testosterone?

Hi!
There are many factors that may contribute to lower libido and loss of erections. Stress, loss of sleep, depression and dehydration can certainly play a role in your symptoms, as well as age and environment. But it sounds like you are interested in having your hormone levels checked. The medical providers that study hormone levels are called endocrinologists and can identify hormone levels by a simple blood test. I encourage you to call your physician and obtain a referral if you do not already have one. If hormone levels are appropriate and you would like to speak to a therapist please feel free to contact us here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,
I am 21 years old. When I was a teenager I masterbated a lot. Now I feel pain in my legs every morning. I have a weak digestive system, and I easily forget everything. I sometimes get muscle cramps, body tremors, and ejaculate early. I also fear that when I get married I won’t be able to become a father. How can I fix these problems?

Hi There!

I am so sorry you are experiencing discomfort and anxiety. The symptoms you are describing in regards to your memory, digestion and cramps and tremors do not sound like they are related to masturbation. If you are able to meet with a medical professional I would suggest making an appointment. The anxiety related to premature ejaculation and your future as a partner and father can be discussed in therapy to identify where these anxieties come from as well as  dispelling  myths around sex and sexuality. If you are interested in making an appointment with one of our clinicians please feel free to reach us here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,
Is it normal to not be circumcised and are there any benefits of having it done as an adult? If soeone is not circumcised are there different steps that are important to take when having sex?

Hi!

The decisions around circumcision is purely a personal and familial decision. There are no medical or health benefits to circumcision unless you frequently experience urinary or bladder infections. There are no additional steps needed to engage in sexual activity. If you have any further questions you can feel free to reach out to us here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,
I am 37 years old and 29.5 weeks pregnant. I have been single throughout almost the entirety of my pregnancy and my sex drive has been through the roof. I do not want to engage in sexual relations with any men when I’m pregnant, but I also feel intense guilt (to the point where i cry) because I have been so horny and often masturbate. Then I tell myself I won’t do it again, but I end up doing it. Is this abnormal?

Hi There!

I am so sorry you are experiencing guilt around your libido during your pregnancy. Please know that it is completely normal to feel an increase or decrease in libido during pregnancy. I also think its important to understand that sexual activity, whether partnered or masturbatory, is healthy and will not harm the pregnancy. If you continue to feel guilt and shame around your libido levels and masturbation and would like to speak to a therapist please feel free to contact us here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,
Phone sex is something I love to do with my long distance boyfriend, but my friends always talk really bad about girls who do it and say they have no respect for themselves. I'm feeling ashamed now. Is it okay and normal to have phone sex?

Hi!
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are feeling ashamed about engaging in phone sex. Please know that there is nothing wrong with engaging in any sexual behavior as long as it's fully consensual between two adults. Feelings of desire are completely normal and healthy. And at times those who we want to engage in sexual activity with are not physically in the same place as us. Phone sex can be a great way to feel connected and intimate with a partner who you can not physically be with. Just a gentle reminder that your friends don’t have to agree with your behaviors and it sounds like their judgment is unhelpful. Is this something you might be able and willing to discuss with them? If you are continuing to feel shame and guilt associated with sexual activity and would like to speak to one of our therapists, please contact us here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,
Can frequent pornography viewership and frequent masturbation cause me to have erectile dysfunction? Is there a possible way for someone to have a healthy sex life and watch porn at the same time?

Hi There,
Thank you so much for your question. Please know that engaging in erotica can be helpful for many individuals and sexual partners. It is difficult to say if your relationship with pornography is effecting your performance or erectile function without knowing a bit more about how and when and what type of pornography you utilize. Each person is affected by imagery differently. Some non feminist pornography can be aggressive towards women and can effect the ways in which we internalize intimacy. Masturbation can affect erectile function however, without more information it is difficult to assess if and how this has affected your functioning. Since there is shame and guilt often associated with masturbation, these emotions can be internalized and affect erectile functioning. If you would like to explore ways in which your personal use of erotica and masturbation has affected you, please contact us here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,
Is fingering a woman’s asshole considered to be anal sex? Why or why not?

Hi!
Thank you so much for your question. Our definition of sex has changed drastically in the past several years. It has become more inclusive to various types of relationships and sexualities and according to the dictionary, anal sex is simply the penetration of the anus during sexual activity. Also note, through this shift, definitions of sexual activity have become more personal. If one considers digital penetration (fingering) to be included in their personal definition of sex then it is. So if you consider fingering a partners anus to be anal sex then it can be defined that way. If you have further questions or would like to speak with a therapist please contact us here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,
I've noticed that almost any time my wife and I try to switch to a new position during sex, I quickly lose my erection before I can enter wife's vagina. This has greatly constrained the amount of variety we've been able to enjoy in the bedroom. Any thoughts on why this is happening and how I can get past this issue?

Hi there,
Thank you so much for your question. There are many factors that can lead to loss of erections.  Making an appointment with a urologist can be helpful in determining if there are medical or structural issues that need to be addressed. If you experience full erections during masturbation then it is likely more emotional or psychologically based. It can be helpful to explore your feelings and beliefs around sex, sexuality, sexual activity and your body. It may also be helpful to think about any feelings of anxiety that you experience when engaging in or anticipating penetration. Mindfulness activities as well as meditation can be helpful to remain connected to your body and keep intrusive thoughts at bay. If you are interested in speaking with a therapist to explore these themes, feel free to visit us here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,


My husband has always had a small penis and I was ok with it, but several years ago he had a groin injury and now he is inverted soft and 2 inches fully erect. He often has trouble penetrating me and when he can it is just too small for my body. I’m tired of only getting penetration from him wearing a hollow strap on that’s cold and fake. I love him and don’t want to seem mean but seeing him naked is a turn off now. He also has been saying troubling things to me lately about wanting me to tease him about his penis size and show his penis pictures to my friends. Is that normal?

Hello!
It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of feelings and emotions that may be confusing. You state that you love your husband and it sounds like you are not satisfied sexually in your relationship. Believe it or not this theme of dissatisfaction is common in relationships. Often times we think about sexual intimacy and sex as having one definition. It can be helpful to think creatively about other ways to enjoy each other sexually besides vaginal penetration with either his penis or a strap on. It's also important to remember that different people find different stimuli to be a turn on and there is no right, wrong or normal when it comes to fetishes, kinks or turn ons. What matters is finding a compromise where all parties feel seen, heard, safe and respected. Couples counseling can help the two of you navigate your desires, likes, wants and needs and find compromise in what turns you on and how you experience pleasure. If you are interested in seeing one of our expert therapists, feel free to contact us here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,
If I can only penetrate my wife for 2 minutes and then ejaculate, is that normal or do I have premature ejaculation issues?

Hi!
Thank you for your question. Although you may be looking for a definitive answer to this question, I hate to speak in terms of “normal”. Even if you look up the average time couples engage in penetrative intercourse the answer is between 33 seconds and 44 minutes. (However, the median time is between 3-7 minutes according to a 2005 study conducted by the Society for Sex Therapy Research). What is most important in regard to sexual activity and penetration is that all parties involved experience pleasure and can communicate wants and desires. If you are concerned about your performance, there are exercises that you can engage in to prolong ejaculation. If you would like to discuss this further with one of our clinicians feel free to contact us here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,
I’m pretty sure my wife masturbates next to me at night. I feel it and hear it, but she denies it. She also says that I have no stamina. We only have sex about twice a month. What should I do?

Hi there!
Thank you so much for your question. Unfortunately, there is no way for me to know if your partner is masturbating beside you at night. It is possible that she is asleep and is unaware that she is engaging in self pleasure. It is also possible that she is fully awake and doing so but is unable to tell you. What I do know is that what you are speaking to is trusting your partner. It can be helpful to discuss the idea of trust and what it means to you and your partner. 

The other part of your question, I believe, deals with desire discrepancy which is very common in sexual relationships. Navigating and compromising around sex and sexuality can be complicated and difficult for many couples. It can be helpful to discuss expectations to see how similar your wants and desires are.  

If you are interested in speaking with a therapist, please contact us here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,
Can infrequent anal penetration cause fecal incontinence?

Hi!
This is a very good question. Most professionals agree that with proper lubrication there is little risk of fecal incontinence with frequent anal penetration. Especially if pain is avoided. Although some research has pointed to anal penetration as a contributing factor to this ailment, most experts believe these studies to be flawed and incomplete. 

-ESW

Dear ESW,
My partner and I have been together for almost 5 years. In the beginning our sex life was amazing but it gradually changed. Now I feel like I'm being used because we only have sex if he needs it, and if it's once a week than I can consider myself lucky. We fight a lot as a result, and now I'm becoming the one that's uninterested in having sex with him. I have tried to talk with him many times throughout the years, tried to understand him, and tried to explain that being intimate once a week is not enough for me. I'm also the one who always initiates non-sexual intimacy. He doesn't make the effort to do so. Is there any way to solve this issue or is it a lost cause and I should just move on?

Hello there!
I am so sorry that you are finding things difficult with your partner. Desire discrepancy in romantic and sexual relationships is very common. There is no “right” amount of intimacy for a relationship so navigating this topic is more about finding compromise, listening to the wants and needs of each individual in the relationship, and being able to communicate those wants and desires. Individuals can find this conversation difficult, vulnerable and emotional. It can be helpful to engage in therapy together to express what you are needing to your partner. It sounds like you feel you have not been heard and your wants and desires have not been acknowledged or honored. I wonder how your partner would react to a discussion about this dynamic and pattern you have witnessed. If you are interested in speaking with a therapist, feel free to contact us here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,
I recently lost a very significant amount of weight, 80lbs or more. A friend who lost a similar amount of weight has warned me she experienced significant queefing after this weight loss. I have not had sex in several years and am just about to start having it again, but the idea of this utterly terrifies me as I am easily embarrassed. Does this actually occur after weight loss?

Hi!
Vaginal flatulence or queefing is the result of air entering and leaving the vagina. This can happen for many reasons and although it can make noises that you may find embarrassing it is perfectly healthy and normal for your body. I validate your discomfort with the prospect of this occurring during partnered sexual activity. There are pelvic floor PT therapists that can help you assess whether pelvic floor exercises can help to dissipate the frequency or intensity of this happening. It may also be helpful to talk to someone about your embarrassment to help you with the thoughts and emotions you may be experiencing. If you would like to speak to someone in our practice, feel free to contact us here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,

I cum in less than a minute, even with a flesh light. Is there anything wrong with me? Is it possible to improve duration?

Hi there,

I know it can be frustrating when our bodies are not cooperating with our brain and doing things we wish they wouldn’t. I do want to normalize your experience. Our culture tends to focus on outcome rather than the journey. When it comes to sex, this means we focus on the orgasm/ ejaculation. This paired with the tendency for individuals to learn about sex through fear and shaming tactics can lead to premature ejaculation. There are many exercises that you can practice that can increase stamina and prevent ejaculation. Have you tried engaging in masturbation and pleasure until you are almost at your climax and stopping or changing sensation? Another technique some find helpful is constricting the base of the penis or right below the head to prevent ejaculation. It can also be helpful to practice mindfulness or talk with a specialist who can help you explore thoughts during masturbation. If you would like to speak with someone or schedule an appointment feel free to contact us here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,

Me and my girlfriend had sex and the condom broke.. She isn’t on the pill and we got her a Plan B 8 hours later. Her period is supposed to be in 4 days. What are the chances she gets pregnant?

Hi!
I am so glad you asked this question. It is important, now more than ever, to understand how emergency contraception works and what the various options are. Plan B works by preventing ovulation. Ovulation, or the release of an egg from the ovary, typically happens around day 14 of the menstrual cycle: 14 days after the first day of the last period. Once the egg has been released from the ovary, plan B will be fairly ineffective. It is also important to note Plan B is most effective for people under 155 pounds. If you are looking for alternatives or need an emergency contraception after ovulation or are above 155 lbs, Ella, Take Action and My Choice pills may be better options.

-ESW

Dear ESW,
I started a long-distance relationship last year and when I met my partner, he was very excited to hold me and kiss me and get close. But after marriage, he has been avoiding me and he thinks he is probably asexual. I am having trouble understanding it. What is happening here?

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. There may be many reasons for this shift in behavior. It is important to know that not all individuals that identify as asexual avoid sexual contact and vice versa. It is also healthy and normal for an individual's levels of desire for physical intimacy to ebb and flow throughout their lives. That being said there are many reasons why he may be avoiding your physical contact. For example, the book Mating in Captivity explores the ways in which emotional intimacy can hinder a physical relationship for some. It also sounds like it might be helpful to engage in couples counseling to better understand both of your wants, needs, desires and how to compromise and navigate these differences. If you are interested in speaking with a specialist, feel free to contact us here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,
I am a cis-het woman in my thirties who is just now starting to have a sex life again after a 10-year spell of sex-drive loss. I don't have an issue getting myself off, but whenever I'm with a partner it seems like my body (specifically my clitoris) becomes desensitized -- it doesn't respond to their touch very easily or quickly. What can I do to increase its sensitivity during sex?

Hello!
Thank you so much for your question. Often times we have differing experiences with masturbation and partnered sexual activity. We know our bodies and can react instantly to the sensations we are experiencing and know what we are needing. Are you engaging in sexual activity with individuals you feel comfortable communicating your needs and desires with? Are they receptive to your feedback? Is it more difficult to remain in the moment and connected to your body when with partner(s)? Does your mind wander or are you aware of anxious or invasive thoughts during partnered sexual activity? These are some of the questions we would encourage you to think about. If you would like to explore this topic further, feel free to reach out here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,
My girlfriend really enjoys when I kiss and bite her boobs during sex. I recently got braces and I don't think I'll be able to do the biting anymore. Is there a way I can please her though?

Hi there,
I am so glad that you were able to find sexual activities that you both enjoyed. I know it can feel different when someone gets braces and I understand the concern of not wanting to hurt your partner. I would encourage you to continue to try to engage in the activity of biting her nipples or breasts, just go slowly and make sure there are open lines of safe consensual communication. If the braces are, in fact, a limitation, you might want to look into pinching or using nipple clamps. I encourage you to talk this over with your partner and obtain consent before bringing any toys or alternate activities to your sexual encounters.

-ESW

Dear esw,
I’m a 40 year old male who is happily married. I have had the desire my whole life to be naked around others and even more so in adulthood. I don’t have the desire to be naked in large groups like a nudist community and it doesn’t seem to be sexually driven. How do I know if this is a disorder to fix or a unique trait to embrace? Where can I find resources to learn about this or how to find ways to explore it without the expectation of a sexual relationship?

Hi!
I am so glad you reached out. I know it can feel isolating when you identify something unique about yourself and it feels like you are the only one who experiences it. Please know that there is nothing wrong with having a desire to be naked in front of people. And it does not have to be sexual in nature. It is important to make sure anyone you are naked in front of gives consent, however. I am unclear if this will interfere with your desire, but many kink communities are open and welcoming to a variety of sexual and non-sexual kink including exhibitionism or public nudity. I am hesitant to give you resources without knowing a little more about what you are looking for or what your boundaries are. If you would like concrete support groups, community support or dungeons to play feel free to contact us here.

-ESW

Dear esw,
If I masturbate, stop when I start to feel close to orgasm, and then have sex with a partner, will that make the sex end quicker?

Hi!
Thanks so much for your question. Unfortunately, the answer is: it depends. It can make orgasm happen more quickly, or it can also prolong it by developing more control over your ejaculation. If you would like to explore this theme more, please contact us here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,
I have recently started using a vibrator and I absolutely love it. I can finally orgasm. However, I have realized that whenever I use it, it increases the number of times I have to pee in a day drastically. Is this an UTI or muscle related issue? How do I solve it?

Hi There!
First off, Congratulations on your orgasm! It sounds like it is something you have been working towards. The need to pee after orgasm is very common and we encourage it to prevent UTIs and bladder infections. I would encourage you to see a doctor to identify if the frequent urination is due to a UTI, overactive bladder or other structural factors. It is also important to know that the bladder and urethra are very close to the vagina and the internal part of the clitoris is sort of wrapped around the urethra. When we orgasm, the vaginal walls contract and can stimulate the urethra and bladder. Are you drinking more water on the days when you masturbate? Are you actually having to pee or feeling the sensation of having to pee but little urine comes out? These are questions you might consider when identifying cause and effect. If you have further questions you can always reach us here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,
I have been masturbating a lot (at least 3 times a day), and this past month I have been noticing that I have been getting weaker erections. I don't even remember the last time I had morning wood. I’m super stressed and anxious about this. Will I be okay?

Hello!
I am sorry you are experiencing anxiety and stress. Are you utilizing masturbation as a coping technique? Is the amount of time you masturbate interfering with your daily life or relationships? I see that it is concerning to you that your erections have become weaker and you have not experienced a morning erection in some time. Have you seen a urologist to address any structural complications or issues? It is possible that the anxiety and stress you are experiencing could be affecting your ability to get a full erection. If you would like to explore this further, feel free to contact us here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,

My penis is curved down. Is it normal and can I fix the curvature at home?

Hi!
It is perfectly normal and healthy to have slight curvature of the penis. If the curvature was present at birth it is called chordee. Typically the pediatrician or urologist can determine the level of chordee and correct the curvature in infancy (typically with surgery) if there is a medical need for it to be corrected. If the curvature occurs later in life it is considered Peyronie’s Disease and can be caused by repeated penile injury. Is your curvature causing you physical pain? 

Currently there is only one FDA approved treatment besides surgery to correct curvature if it is causing you discomfort and it is called Xiaflex or Intralesional collagenase injections. If your curvature is causing emotional distress it can be helpful to talk to a therapist to explore these feelings. If you are interested in speaking with a counselor, feel free to reach us here.

-ESW

Dear esw,


I have heard sperm can live up to 5 - 7 days inside the vagina after unprotected sex, but what about after those 5 - 7 days pass? Will remnants remain of the sperm in the vaginal walls or will it disappear from the vagina as if it was never there in the first place?

Hi There!
Sperm that does not fertilize an egg is typically either expelled from the body via the vagina or gets absorbed by the body (as if it was never there).

-ESW

Dear ESW,
Anytime I have sex with someone for the first time, I can’t get hard. I have no trouble getting an erection after the first time. How can I get that erection on the first try so I don’t mess things up with women?

Hello!
I am sorry you are experiencing difficulty getting an erection the first time you attempt to have penetrative sex with a partner. It sounds like it is very distressing to you. It also sounds like this may be emotionally based. It might be helpful to speak with someone to explore your thoughts, beliefs and feelings around sex, intimacy, sexual activity and relationships. Some people experience an increase in anxiety or excitement or other emotions or thoughts when engaging in sexual activity with a new partner. It might be helpful for you to understand your subconscious around some of these topics. If you would like to explore these themes further, feel free to contact us here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,
My bra size is 32 B, but I would like to be larger. How could I increase my breast size naturally? Could masturbating help?

Hi!
Thank you for your question. Unfortunately masturbation does not affect breast size. Breast size typically is affected by genetics, weight, and hormone levels. There is little we can do to affect breast size outside of augmentation surgery. Other than surgery, it might be helpful for you to think about why the size of your breasts is important to you and what you imagine having a 36 bust size would afford you. If you would like to explore ways to process through your current breast size, feel free to contact us here.

-ESW

Dear ESW,
how can I eliminate pain from vaginismus?

Hi There,
I am so sorry you're experiencing pain from vaginismus. And I am so glad you reached out. Vaginismus is defined as the body’s automatic reaction to the fear of some or various types of vaginal penetration. This reaction is often involuntary and can occur even if you have experienced lack of pain with previous penetration. 

Seeing a pelvic floor therapist and/ or a sex therapist can be helpful in exploring relaxation techniques as well as addressing any emotional factors that may contribute to the fear response and ultimately the tightening of the vaginal walls that cause pain. Pelvic floor therapists can also facilitate the use of a dilators which can help to restore or expand the pelvic floor muscles and vaginal tissue. If you're interested in speaking with a clinician feel free to contact us here.

-ESW

Dear Esw,
the ring under the tip of the penis or like around and under it thats where the line is where you'd get circumcised right but for me it goes almost all the way around then it stops and like the skin on my shaft is connected to my tip and its like a bridge kind of. Am I fully circumcised?

Hello!
I believe you are speaking of the frenulum which is an elastic band of tissue under the glans penis that connects the foreskin to the vernal mucosa. If this is the case, then you are most likely fully circumcised. If you continue to be concerned, I encourage you to see your primary care physician or urologist.

-ESW

Dear esw,

I have heard that 80% of women’s orgasms are from oral sex. What percent of men’s orgasms are from oral sex?

Hello!

Thank you so much for your question. While this is a very interesting statistic, it is not accurate. This may be alluding to the fact that may people with vulvas experience pleasure and orgasm through clitoral stimulation rather than from vaginal or anal penetration. The clitoris has thousands of nerve endings that can be very sensitive when touched, rubbed, licked or stimulated in various ways. Similarly, the head of the penis (and under the rim of a circumcised penis) is the most sensitive part. If you have additional questions please feel free to contact us here.

- ESW

Dear ESW,

What happens to females if they get horny because of foreplay but they don’t go for complete sexual intercourse?

Hello,

Thanks for asking. I am not sure if you are referring to physical consequences or emotional reactions with this question. Physically, the sensitive parts of the body, like the clitoris and vagina would return to the states they were before stimulation: The vagina expands with stimulation and the clitoris becomes sensitive as blood flow increases. When stimulation stops, the vagina retracts and blood flow returns to normal. Emotionally, someone may react in a variety of ways depending on past experienced, expectation and the dynamics of the relationship. These feelings can include feelings of disappointment, relief, happiness, frustration, etc. I hope this was helpful. If you need additional information we can be reached here.

- ESW

dear ESW,

I’m an 18yo Female and my first time using a dildo, I got it to fit all the way in, but when i try movement, it feels like it hits a bone on the way out. Like my vagina is split into two sections. Anyway, this stops me from really moving or thrusting the dildo. What is it that i’m hitting when i pull it out? How do I stop that?

Hello!

Thank you for your question and I am sorry you are experiencing this sensation. Is this sensation painful at all? I would encourage you to be slow and gentle until you are familiar with your body. This may mean experimenting and exploring your body without the dildo and using fingers to observe your anatomy, desires, pleasure, likes and dislikes. This may give you insight into what you are “hitting” and how to avoid it. If you would like to speak with someone further about your experience please connect with us here.

- ESW

Dear ESW,

I been dealing with certain fetishes and I wanted to know if it's normal. I did get divorced due to it and I can't stop my addiction to fetishes.

Hello,

Please know that consensual fetish exploration and play can be healthy and fun. It is important that all parties involved are safe, emotionally and physically, and are consenting to any activities taking place. I hope in the future you are able to find a partner(s) who is accepting and supportive of your fetish. That being said, the word addiction you used can be unhelpful in meeting partners needs and being flexible in willingness and ability to meet the needs of partners. If you are concerned about your fetish and wish to discuss this further with one of our skilled and empathic therapists please reach out here.

- ESW

Dear esw,

Hi there. I am a 33-year-old sexually active female. I have had around 60 male partners since the age of 19. I always climax when I use my vibrator. However, I have only achieved that same climax with the four serious boyfriends I have had in my life. I believe I do come during vaginal sex because it feels amazing, but I don’t reach that peak intensity like I do on my own or that I have with boyfriends. I also have never come from being fingered or given oral sex. Would that mean that I am coming during sex but just not having a full orgasm? Coming/orgasm/climax terms have always confused me and I am just genuinely curious. Thank you!

Hello,

Thank you so much for your question! Let’s start with some definitions of terms because the really ARE confusing. Coming, orgasm and climax are all synonyms for the same sensation. They are referring to the peak and release of sexual pleasure typically occurring during sexual stimulation. There are many factors that can go into whether or not someone experiences an orgasm. For some, emotional connection and emotional intimacy are necessary to experience an orgasm, while for others it is the opposite. Stress, sleep, mindfulness, distractions, internal dialogue, anxiety can all effect how you experience pleasure and whether you experience an orgasm. If you would like to explore how emotions, connection, intimacy, all work in regulars to your pleasure please contact one of our therapists here.

- ESW

Dear esw,

My boyfriend and I have been together a few years and for the first 2+ he was unable to finish during sex so giving him head was never a thing. We tried it twice early in the relationship but it never went well and always left me feeling negatively. Now that he can finish during sex he wants me to give him head and I’m not opposed to it at all but the thought gives me so much anxiety and I don’t even know how to initiate anymore. He waited a while before saying something about it and now it feels like a giant elephant in the room and we’ve barely been intimate at all since. How do I get out of my head and over this anxiety about it?

Hello,

Thank you so much for your question. I am sorry you are experiencing anxiety around oral sex and I want to validate your experience. I know patterns can be difficult to break and feelings associated with certain stimuli can be tough to disassociate. It can be helpful to remind yourself that although the anxiety is warranted, it is not necessary anymore. I am glad your partner felt safe enough within the relationship to express his desires. And I am glad you are able to identify and voice the emotions it stirred in you. It can be helpful to speak with a mental health professional to gain insight into ways to break patterns of thought and build new patterns. Perhaps the two of you could engage in couples counseling to learn ways to communicate wants, desires and find support from one another around some of the anxiety this causes. If you would like to engage with one of our talented therapists please reach out to us here.

- ESW

DEar esw,

Why won’t my wife let me ejaculate/cum in her anymore? We’ve been married 26 years, I had a vasectomy, and she’s had a uterus ablation. About six years ago she ask me to start wearing a condom during sex and says she doesn’t want me to cum in her because it makes her have an odor.

Hello,

Thank you for your inquiry. It sounds like the concern of pregnancy is not the factor your wife is concerned about. It sounds like she is concerned about an odor that occurs after penetrative vaginal intercourse when you do not wear a condom. Have you expressed your feelings about wearing a condom to your partner? This sounds like a matter of negotiating wants and desires rather than a misunderstanding of why each of you desire different things during vaginal intercourse. A couples counselor can help you navigate this conversation and help each of you hear each other’s desires and negotiate how to proceed. If you would like to connect with one of our therapists please contact us here.

- ESW

dear esw,

My husband and I are new to cuckolding and have had a few experiences. I have been wanting to experience double vaginal. Is it safe?

Hello,

There are ways to enjoy double penetration safely. It is important to note that using a barrier method of protection, such as a condom, during any penetrative sex is a safer way to reduce STI transmission. This can be complicated with two phallus objects that can cause friction if rubbing together which makes it more likely for the condom to break. In terms of safety, arousal will be important when attempting double vaginal as the vagina expands when it experiences arousal. Lubrication will also be important as well as going slowly and engaging with partners that will respect your consent and boundaries. If you have additional questions or concerns feel free to contact us here.

- ESW

Dear esw,

I think something is wrong with my clit. It feels like I've torn it. I don't understand what's wrong.

Hello,

I am so sorry you are experiencing discomfort/ pain. It is difficult to ascertain what is wrong without knowing more information. Have you recently stimulated the clitoris? Did you use lubricant or was there a lot of friction? Have you started using new detergent or body wash throat could be causing an allergic reaction? Is this a new sensation or have you always been aware of it? If the discomfort persists I encourage you to call your gynecologist to assess if there is an abrasion or if you irritated it somehow.

- ESW

Dear esw, I have been on antidepressants for over twenty years and suffer from erect all dysfunction. I have been given sildenafil but that doesn’t solve the problem which is lack of sensation. When I’ve seen doctors and specialists they don’t want to know. I am made to feel I’m wasting their time.

Hello,

I am so sorry that you are experiencing lack of sensation in your penis and that you have felt dismissed and ignored. Did the onset of this lack of sensation coincide with starting antidepressants? Have you ever felt stimulation in your penis? It is possible the antidepressants are effecting hormone levels that can be treated with other medications. A counselor may be able to help you explore ways to experience sexual pleasure that do not only involve your penis. If you would like to speak with a sex therapist please contact us here.

- ESW

Dear esw,

my girlfriend and I grinded with a rerolled condom. is it still a relative low chance of pregnancy when considering our situation?

When we were about to grind and as soon as the condoms was on the tip of my penis (not fully rolled on) we noticed that it was on the wrong side so we rerolled it on the right side. The tip of my penis touched and slightly entered her vaginal entry tho. This happened after an hour or more when I first ejaculated. I highly doubted there’s pre-cum in the tip of penis since it has been on the pants for long period time before we decided to grind. I am just worried for her, and we don't want any unexpected responsibility. We just want the best for each other.

Hello,

Thank you for your question. We always recommend getting a new condom if you accidentally put it on upside down or inside out. Even though you may n to be able to see it or feel it, it is possible pre cum or sperm is on the tip of your penis and there is no way to determine with certainty. I would advise in the future to get a new condom and/or obtain plan B. While it is unlikely your partner will get pregnant, it is not certain. It is also important to remember that conforms also protect against STI’s and flipping the condom over increases the chance of STI transmission as well. I hope this was helpful. If you have further questions or concerns please feel free to contact us here!

- ESW

dear esw,

My husband and I have been married for 17 years and recently he has been only been able to get an erection. if he watches porn with trans people, but if it’s just me and him, he can’t get an erection. it’s starting to Affect me emotionally and it’s putting a strain on our marriage. what do I do?

Hello,

I am so glad you are reaching out. Pornography consumption can invoke many emotions in different people. What is important is that I hear you saying the combination of the pornography consumption and your partner’s inability to maintain an erection with you is effecting your mental health. And that is significant and important. I would encourage you to explore this more in therapy whether it’s individual work or couples work. A therapist may be able to help you parse out your emotions, your desires, your wants and needs. They may be able to help the two of you communicate and negotiate and express your fears and desires as they shift and change. If you would like to speak with a mental health professional who specializes in sex therapy please contact us here.

- ESW

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