What To Do When Your Partner Loses Their Erection: 6 Ways to Respond

Written by Seth Taylor, ALMFT

Intimacy is a vital component of a healthy romantic relationship, and sexual intimacy plays a significant role in many partnerships. However, it's not uncommon for individuals to experience challenges with their sexual health, including erectile dysfunction or difficulties with erections. If you find yourself in a situation where your partner loses their erection, it's important to respond in a supportive and understanding manner.

How do I deal with my partner’s erectile dysfunction? 

Here are some healthy ways to respond when your partner loses their erection:

Practice Compassion and Understanding

Is ED a reason to break up? It's crucial to remember that experiencing difficulties with erections is not uncommon and can happen to anyone. Erection issues can stem from a variety of reasons, including stress, anxiety, fatigue, medical conditions, or simply random occurrences. It's essential to approach the situation with compassion and understanding rather than judgment or frustration. Avoid blaming or shaming your partner, as it can worsen the situation and create emotional distress. Instead, be empathetic and let your partner know that you understand it's a common occurrence and are there to support them.

Communicate Openly and Honestly

So, how do people feel when they can’t get it up? Open communication is vital in any relationship, and it becomes even more crucial when it comes to sexual health. Encourage your partner to communicate openly about their feelings, thoughts, and concerns regarding their lost erection. Listen attentively without interrupting or making assumptions. Avoid making negative comments or belittling their experience. Instead, offer reassurance and express your support. Remember, your partner may already feel embarrassed or disappointed, so it's essential to create a safe space for them to share without fear of judgment. 

Reframe the Situation

When your partner loses their erection, it's easy to interpret it as a failure or a reflection of their attraction to you. However, it's important to reframe the situation and see it as a temporary setback that does not necessarily indicate their feelings for you. Remind yourself and your partner that sexual performance is not the sole measure of intimacy and connection in a relationship. Unless this is communicated, performance anxiety could escalate. Emotional and mental connections are equally important. Shift the focus from the physical act to the emotional bond and intimacy you share and emphasize that you are still connected despite the temporary challenge.

Offer Support or Solutions

You may wonder if a man with erectile dysfunction could ever satisfy a partner. If your partner is open to it, offer support and explore potential solutions together. However, it's important to approach this with sensitivity and respect for your partner's comfort level. Avoid pressuring them or imposing solutions without their consent. Instead, discuss options such as seeing a healthcare professional, trying different sexual activities, or exploring relaxation techniques together. Encourage your partner to seek medical advice if they are concerned about their sexual health, as underlying medical conditions can sometimes affect erectile function. Remind them that seeking help is a sign of strength and not weakness.

Be Patient and Understanding

Your partner is most likely already wondering how to overcome their ED anxiety. Dealing with a partner's lost erection can be frustrating and disappointing, but it's important to remember that patience is key. Avoid expressing frustration, disappointment, or anger towards your partner, as it can exacerbate the situation and create emotional distance. Instead, be understanding and patient. Reassure your partner that you are not disappointed or upset with them and are there to support them through this challenge. Be willing to step back from sexual activities and focus on other forms of intimacy, such as emotional connection, affection, and closeness.

Prioritize Self-Care

Coping with your partner's lost erection can also be emotionally challenging. It's important to prioritize your own self-care during this time. Take care of your emotional and physical well-being, and seek support from trusted friends, family, or a sex therapist. Engage in activities that help you relax and manage stress, such as getting regular exercise, practicing mindfulness, or engaging in hobbies you enjoy. Remember that taking care of yourself allows you to be better equipped to support your partner in a healthy and understanding manner.

Takeaway

Can erectile dysfunction ruin a relationship? Only if you let it. At the end of the day, sexual intimacy is a personal and sensitive aspect of any romantic relationship, and it's important to approach it with kindness, patience, and understanding. By responding healthily and supporting your partner through their challenges with erectile function, you can strengthen your bond, deepen your emotional connection, and foster a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship.

Remember that relationships are built on trust, love, and understanding; facing challenges together can ultimately strengthen your partnership. So, be there for your partner, be understanding, and work together towards finding solutions that work for both of you. With mutual support, empathy, and patience, you can navigate this situation healthily and positively!

Anxiety Getting in the Way of Sex? Here Are Some Tips

Anxiety comes in many forms, from generalized to circumstantial to sexual and beyond. Any type of anxiety has the potential to interfere with your sex life. If you're experiencing anxiety, it's important to know that you aren't alone. The good news is that anxiety can be addressed and there are tools to make it easier to have the sex life you want. Sometimes, stigma surrounding anxiety makes it difficult to openly talk about it or to ask for help but in reality there is nothing to be ashamed of. 

Regardless of how you experience anxiety or why, it can affect how you connect with people and yourself which is why it gets in the way of sex. Anxiety has the potential to lower your libido, deflate your confidence, stop you from asking what you want, and prevent you from achieving orgasm - just to name a few effects. You need to figure out the root of your anxiety in order to address it properly. For instance, if your anxiety stems from body insecurity, you may try to spend your energy working on your body image; if your anxiety primarily stems from something like mental illness, this may not be the most efficient way to help your anxiety. Ultimately, there is no one size fits all treatment so it will likely take trial and error to figure out what works best for you. 

Here are some ways to help with anxiety and your sex life:

• Try to be non-judgmentally mindful and stay in the moment. This is easier said than done but if your mind is constantly wandering during sex, it’s hard to enjoy yourself. You can find tips for being more mindful during sex here.

• Talk with your partner(s) about your experience with anxiety. Letting them know that you are experiencing anxiety may alleviate some feelings by getting it out in the open to address. This way, you and your partner can try to work on the problem as a team, as opposed to you navigating it alone.

• Take the pressure off of “goal oriented sex,” like expecting penetration or an orgasm as an integral part of “successful” sex. Physical intimacy takes many forms and unlearning expectations about what it “should” look like can help you enjoy yourself more.

• Give yourself grace. Anxiety is not your fault and you deserve to be patient with yourself as you work through it.

• Therapy is a great option for addressing anxiety if it’s available to you. Consider reaching out to Embrace Sexual Wellness to get in touch with a therapist today!

Stress Cycles: What they Are and How to Break Them

Do you feel as if you are in a constant state of stress? Well, you may be. Stressors can be found all around us, especially now. Did you know that many people who experience stress do not complete their stress cycles? According to Psych Central, stress isn’t a one-time event with a single cause and reaction; it is a cycle with many phases. We complete a stress cycle when our bodies learn that we are safe after facing danger.

Drs. Emily & Amelia Nagoski emphasize the importance of completing the stress cycle in their book, Burnout: The Secret to Solving the Stress Cycle. According to Burnout, when we do not confront our stress, we continue the stress cycle and our bodies are in constant activation with increased blood pressure, increased chance of heart disease, and issues with digestion. Thus, completing the stress cycle is imperative for our health. 

According to an article on Psych Central, there are five main stages of the stress cycle. These stages are, in order, the external stressor, internal appraisal, physiological response, internalization, and coping. 

Stage One: The external stressor, or simply, the triggering event, is the only aspect of stress that your mind and body do not play a direct role in. 

Stage Two: Internal appraisal happens just before, during, or after the actual trigger occurs. At this stage, your senses are taking in information that something has gone awry, sending a signal to your amygdala (the part of your brain that is responsible for processing emotions such as fear and rage). Once the amygdala is activated, a signal is sent to the hypothalamus and the pituitary gland, which are responsible for maintaining homeostasis (balance in the body).

Stage Three: Physiological responses occur once the amygdala is activated. Once the hypothalamus and the pituitary glands are signaled by the amygdala, the sympathetic nervous system becomes activated, thus launching your body into the fight or flight response. This response stimulates the cardiovascular system while accelerating your heart rate. At the same time, your parasympathetic nervous system is suppressed, causing your immune and digestive systems to shut down.

Stage Four: Internalization is when you begin to become aware of the stress. In this stage, you could experience physical reactions such as increased heart rate, upset stomach, or body aches which become more noticeable than in stage four. These physical reactions may cause you to worry about how well you are handling the stress, thus causing you to feel worry, anxiety, and dread. 

Stage Five: The final stage of the cycle is coping, a.k.a., doing something that alleviates the discomfort. While some coping mechanisms decrease stress, others can increase it. This is called maladaptive coping. When people engage in maladaptive coping, their strategies may work in the short-term but not in the long term. Some of these mechanisms include consuming psychoactive drugs, alcohol, constantly checking your phone, mindless media, and throwing yourself into work. These coping mechanisms actually further activate the physiological stress responses in your body, causing you to stay in a hyper-aroused state, thus leading to more stress. 

In an interview on Brene Brown’s podcast, Unlocking Us, the Nagoski sisters spoke about the burnout phenomenon in relation to stress cycles. They emphasize how emotions and stress can impact your entire nervous system. In order to create balance in your nervous system, you have to complete the stress cycle. Emily Nagoski debunks the idea that if we fix the issue that caused the stress, we have dealt with the stress itself. In reality, when we do this, we stay in a chronically elevated state of stress. 

In order to complete the stress cycle, we must reduce the stress we are experiencing. There is no one surefire way to reduce stress, but the Nagoski sisters do offer some helpful suggestions. Moving, breathing, laughing, speaking with your loved ones, crying, or doing something creative can have a profound impact on reducing stress.

Let’s Break These Down

Moving can include any physical activity such as running, yoga, stretching, walking, or biking. According to the Nagoski sisters, any activity that moves the body is helpful.

Breathing regulates your nervous system by increasing the amount of oxygen in your bloodstream. In fact, a study published in the Breathe, a journal published by the European Respiratory society, there appears to be potential for controlled slow breathing methods to optimize physiological health. The Nagoskis recommend taking a slow breath in and a slow, long breath out when you are feeling stressed. This is called paced breathing, and apps such as Insight Timer, Calm, and Headspace can help you practice this method. Breathing will engage the parasympathetic nervous system, therefore regulating the central nervous system. You may notice that you are unable to stay focused on one thought when you are breathing in this way, and that is normal. In fact, that’s the point. If your thoughts are more steady, that is okay too.

Any positive social interaction can help reduce stress. When you have a positive social interaction, your body feels as if it is at home. This interaction could be super brief such as saying hello to a cashier, or complimenting a neighbor or passerby, or talking to your best friend.

According to Nagoski and Nagoski (2019), laughter will help alleviate stress, but only if it is authentic. In their podcast interview, Dr. Amelia Nagoski shared, “it has to be the slightly embarrassing, mouth hanging open, belly jiggling, uncontrolled, ridiculous laughter that really takes over your body, you can’t stop laughing. That laughter will take you all the way through the end of a stress cycle.”

The next suggestion is to engage in affection. This can include speaking to a loved one or hugging (safely). According to an article in the Harvard Health newsletter, hugging for 20 seconds can increase your oxytocin levels. Higher oxytocin levels have been correlated with lower blood pressure and heart rates. Therefore, there is a possible link between hugging and lower blood pressure.

Crying will not solve the problem, but it can help allow physical tension to leave your body.

Creative expression can mean whatever you want it to mean, including painting, knitting, sketching, writing, singing, baking, or anything else that is an act of creation.

While none of these stress-reduction methods are the end-all-be-all, they can help you to complete the stress cycle. The most important thing is that you make it through the stress cycle, to protect your physical and mental health.