Sexual Wellness, Sex Education + Pleasure
Jennifer Litner
16 Ways Shame Shows Up During Sex and How It ...
16 Ways Shame Shows Up During Sex and How It Can Impact Your Relationship

Dating

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Considering Dating as a Single Parent? Here are 3 Tips to Consider

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Being a single parent is a tall order, to put it mildly. Add in the idea of dating, and it can be so overwhelming you don’t even know where to start. The good news is that you’re far from alone given that according to a 2019 Pew Research Center study found that the United States has the world’s highest rate of children in single-parent households. This means there are also plenty of tips and support from other single parents to be found out there. This article will offer an overview of some single parent dating tips, as well as additional resources to further your preparation. 

1) Upfront honesty is key

  • If you neglect to mention that you have a child(ren) in the beginning stages of talking to someone, there’s a bigger risk of wasting your time with someone who isn’t okay with that. Save yourself the anxiety and bring it up sooner rather than later.

2) Search for a partner before searching for a co-parent

  • Of course your child(ren) is your first priority so this might sound counterintuitive. This is not to say that you shouldn’t prioritize pursuing people who could potentially make a good parent, if that’s what you’re looking for. Rather, it is merely to say that you need to make sure someone will be good for you before you can judge whether or not they’re good for your child(ren). It might be tempting to try to focus on finding a parent for the sake of your child, especially when they start to question the absence of one of their parental figures, but you’re not dating for your kids (or if you are, you might not be ready to date). You’re dating for you first.

3) Consider what reasonable expectations look like for you, for your potential partner, and for a potential relationship

  • Some important things to think about are…

    • How much free time do you have?

    • How much mental capacity do you have available to give your energy to another person?

    • When, if ever, would you be comfortable with introducing your child(ren) to a partner?

    • How serious of a relationship do you want?

These are just a few things to think about before diving into dating. If you’re wanting to do more research and learn more about single parent dating, here are some additional resources:

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3 Ways to Queer Your Relationship

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Whether you’re aware of it or not, societal expectations and social systems of oppression, like white supremacy, capitalism, patriarchy, laws, and more heavily influence how we form relationships. For instance, the rise of the isolated nuclear family (two parents and their children living together) as opposed to interconnected extended families was prompted following the Great Depression and World War I. This was due in part to the fact that it allowed for the proliferation of generational wealth - to the disadvantage of the working class. This is one example of many that illustrates how social institutions (in this case, capitalism) have shaped modern relationship norms. Unfortunately, this limits people from achieving their most fulfilling relationship dynamic. It’s never too late to start unlearning toxic societal ideals though!

“Queering” is difficult to define because the nature of queerness is ambiguous. It started as a method of media analysis that utilizes queer theory to reinterpret and challenge heteronormativity and gender roles in popular media. More broadly, it refers to challenging the societal norms and institutions that oppress anyone who dares to exist in opposition to them. That’s still a bit nebulous so let’s talk about what the “queering” of a relationship tangibly looks like: 

Let go of heteronormative ideas of how relationships function

Heteronormativity is “the assumption that heterosexuality is the standard for defining normal sexual behavior and that male-female differences and gender roles are the natural and immutable essentials in normal human relations.” To be clear, challenging heteronormativity does not mean invalidating heterosexuality but rather the toxic assumption that heterosexuality is the only valid way to exist. Rejecting heteronormativity in your relationship might look like confronting your assumptions about sexuality in general; intentionally evaluating whether the heteronormative version of “normal relationships” is right for you in. Heteronormativity is strict in its expectation that the only valid romantic relationships exist between a cisgender, heterosexual man and woman in a monogamous relationship. Unsurprisingly, this script does not suit as many people as it claims to but because it is ingrained as the “default” option, many people simply don’t even realize there are alternatives to be considered. If you haven’t already done soul searching surrounding your own desires in terms of your sexuality and your preferences for monogamy or non-monogamy, that is an important first step.

Let go of binary gender roles

Binary gender roles are a byproduct of heteronormativity in which all people are classified as one of two genders, male or female, typically decided based on the appearance of genitalia at birth. This is a rigid understanding of the concepts of sex and gender which attempts to pigeonhole people based on arbitrary assumptions pertaining to one’s gender. An example of how gender roles manifest is the assumption that women will want to be homemakers and men will be breadwinners. Unlearning these ingrained ideas about gender essentialism is no easy task. It involves reconsidering everything we have been told is “normal.” It’s worthwhile to sit down with your partner(s) and evaluate how gender roles manifest in your relationship; do you make assumptions about one another’s preferences based on their gender? Does everyone feel safe to express their gender identity authentically around one another? Do you surround your relationship with people who help you outgrow the limitations of the gender binary?

Intentionally create a relationship that fulfills the needs of all involved

Here are some questions to consider with your partner(s): 

  • Is everyone involved in the relationship satisfied with its status regarding monogamy? Would it benefit the relationship to consider alternative structures like a form of non-monogamy?

  • If anyone in the relationship is queer, do they feel validated in their identity within the relationship?

  • Do you prioritize your romantic relationship(s) over platonic ones? If so, why, and does that serve you?  

Queerness, and queering, are very nuanced concepts that cannot be done full justice in a singular blog post. You might consider speaking to a therapist at Embrace Sexual Wellness if you’re struggling to get started with queering your relationship. If you’re interested in learning more on your own, here are some resources:

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Tips for Managing Conflict in Relationships

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All relationships at some point will encounter conflict. It takes work to nurture the relationship and work through conflict, but it certainly can be a daunting task. Not everyone is fortunate enough to grow up around role models of healthy relationships which can make navigating relationship conflict even more frustrating. Luckily, relationship conflict is nothing new and there are tons of ways to make it less stressful for you and your partner(s). It’s important to be able to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy conflict management, to understand one’s own emotion regulation capacity, and to communicate effectively and efficiently. No two relationships are made the same so not every tactic will work for every person or dynamic, but there are general principles that have a wide range of applications. Let’s talk about some of them.

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Healthy Conflict Vs. Abusive Conflict 

Healthy conflict is when...

  • Partners choose words that are respectful and don’t attack a person’s character, call them names, or raise their voice at them. 

  • All partners feel safe bringing up issues without fear of retaliation.

  • Partners practice active listening and healthy communication techniques (more on those later!). 

  • Boundaries are respected. 

  • Apologies are genuine and not predicated on excuses or invalidating the recipient’s feelings.

  • The goal is to ultimately find the underlying foundational cause of the conflict in order to address the problem at the root.

  • All people involved are in a clear, wise minded headspace coming into the argument. 

  • Partners are making requests instead of complaints. For example, instead of “you never ask me how my day was when I come home,” you might try something like “hey when my day is over I like to decompress by talking about it. Would you mind making an effort to ask me about it?”.

It may be an abusive conflict if...

  • It involves physical harm, emotional manipulation, yelling, name-calling, or personal attacks.

  • The conflict surrounds one partner attempting to overly control the other(s) such as disallowing socializing outside the relationship.

  • The conflict surrounds a partner’s jealous or possessive behavior. 

  • Conflict arises more often than not and the relationship feels like a constant uphill battle full of arguments.

  • The same issues come up repeatedly without appropriate behavioral changes being made.  

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Communication Tips

  • Speak your mind in a timely manner, don’t let resentment build

  • Take time outs if needed. When one or multiple partners are in an intense emotional headspace, it’s near impossible to have a productive, effective conversation. Make time to cool down when needed but set a specific time limit for the break, whether that’s minutes, hours, or days, so that the conversation doesn’t accidentally fall by the wayside. 

  • Speak from the “I” perspective and avoid making assumptions about the offending person’s intent. For example, instead of “you don’t care about my hobbies,” you might say something like “I feel unappreciated when you neglect to listen to me talk about my hobbies.” 

  • Approach the conflict as all partner(s) versus the conflict rather than partner(s) versus partner(s). The goal is to work together to solve the problem, not to create adversity. 

  • Practice genuine, reparative apologizing. To learn more about how to do that, check out this Time Magazine article.

  • When possible, give the other party/ies the benefit of the doubt. Most people are trying their very best at any given moment. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t hold them accountable or you shouldn’t have your needs met, only that you should do your best to give them grace.

  • Figure out what coping tactics work best to regulate your own emotions. Emotion regulation and interpersonal communication skills based in dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) work well for many people.

  • Try to prioritize being effective over being right. Sometimes you may need to agree to disagree instead of beating a dead horse and sowing additional discord.

If you incorporate these tips and skills into your conflict management and you still encounter significant obstacles, consider working with a systemically trained relationship therapist like our team of clinicians. Conflict arises in all healthy relationships and does not mean the relationship is doomed. The difference between healthy and abusive relationships in terms of conflict is how it is handled. The better everyone involved understands emotion regulation and conflict management, the more effective conflict management will become. All relationships are a work in progress and luckily, by definition, you don’t need to work on it alone.   

Additional Resources  

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