16 Ways Shame Shows Up During Sex and How It Can Impact Your Relationship

Shameful messages about sex often stem from societal, cultural, religious, and familial beliefs that label certain sexual behaviors, desires, or identities as "wrong," "dirty," or "immoral." These messages can deeply affect how people perceive themselves and their sexuality. Here are some common shameful messages about sex:

1. Sex is Only for Reproduction

• Message: "Sex is only acceptable if it's for having children or in a committed marriage."

• Impact: This message shames people who engage in sex for pleasure or outside of traditional marriage, reinforcing the idea that sexuality is only valuable when linked to reproduction or procreation.

2. Sex is "Dirty" or "Wrong"

• Message: "Sex is inherently dirty or sinful, and people who enjoy it are morally flawed."

• Impact: This leads to feelings of guilt or shame about sexual desire or activity, even within consensual, healthy relationships. It may also foster a sense of "uncleanliness" after sex, making it harder to embrace sexual expression as a natural part of life.

3. Women's Sexuality is Shameful

• Message: "Women should not express desire or pleasure in sex; they should be passive, chaste, or only interested in sex for their partner's sake."

• Impact: This message can lead to women feeling ashamed of their sexual desires, fantasies, or pleasure, and might cause them to suppress or ignore their own needs. It can also reinforce the idea that women’s sexual pleasure isn’t as valid as men’s.

4. Sexual Fantasies are Wrong

• Message: "Having sexual fantasies, especially about taboo subjects, makes you a bad or immoral person."

• Impact: This message induces guilt about natural fantasies, which are a normal part of human sexuality. People may feel embarrassed or ashamed about their thoughts, even though fantasies are private and don't necessarily reflect real-life desires.

5. Sex Outside of Heterosexual Marriage is Bad

• Message: "Sex is only acceptable within a heterosexual, monogamous marriage."

• Impact: This message stigmatizes LGBTQ+ people, those who practice polyamory, or people who have casual sex. It can foster shame about one's sexual orientation, relationship structure, or sexual choices.

6. Sexual Repression is Virtuous

• Message: "People should remain sexually abstinent or 'pure' until marriage."

• Impact: This can create shame for anyone who has sex outside of marriage, leading to feelings of self-judgment, fear of rejection, or fear of being perceived as "loose" or immoral.

7. Sex is Only About Physical Performance

• Message: "Sex is all about physical performance and pleasing your partner; if you fail to meet certain standards, you’re a failure."

• Impact: This message pressures individuals to view sex solely through the lens of performance and appearance, which can lead to body shame, anxiety, and a fear of not measuring up in bed.

8. Pleasure for Women is Less Important

• Message: "It doesn’t matter if women orgasm or enjoy sex; their role is to satisfy the man."

• Impact: This creates shame for women who experience difficulty with orgasm or feel their pleasure isn't as important as their partner's. It can also lead to feelings of inadequacy and emotional disconnection in sexual relationships.

9. Men Should Always Want Sex

• Message: "Men are always sexually ready and should be the initiators of sex."

• Impact: This puts pressure on men to constantly desire sex, making it difficult for them to express discomfort, fatigue, or disinterest in sex without feeling inadequate or "less manly." It can also ignore the complexity of men’s emotional and physical needs.

10. Masturbation is Wrong

• Message: "Masturbating is sinful, shameful, or unnatural."

• Impact: This message creates guilt around self-pleasure, making it difficult for people to embrace their own bodies and sexual needs. It can also foster shame in exploring one's own sexual desires.

11. Sexual Abuse is the SURVIVOR’S Fault

• Message: "If you were sexually assaulted or harassed, you must have done something to provoke it."

• Impact: This harmful narrative places blame on survivors of sexual violence, leading to shame, guilt, and a reluctance to seek support or speak out. It can also discourage survivors from seeing themselves as worthy of respect, consent and pleasure.

12. Sexual Diversity is Unnatural

• Message: "Anything other than heterosexual sex between a man and a woman is unnatural, sinful, or perverted."

• Impact: This message stigmatizes LGBTQ+ individuals, making them feel that their sexual identity and orientation are wrong. It can cause significant emotional distress and contribute to feelings of isolation and shame.

13. Sex is Only for Young People

• Message: "Sex is for the young and desirable, and older people or those with disabilities shouldn’t have sex."

• Impact: This can create shame around aging or physical limitations, making people feel that they are no longer sexually valuable or worthy of intimacy once they get older or experience changes in their bodies.

14. Sex is Always Supposed to Be Spontaneous

• Message: "Sex should always feel spontaneous, passionate, and effortless."

• Impact: This can make people feel ashamed of their need to plan for sex or incorporate communication and effort into their sexual lives, as it assumes that sex should just "happen" naturally. It ignores the reality that sexual relationships often require communication, care, and intentionality.

15. Consent Doesn't Matter if You're in a Relationship

• Message: "If you're in a relationship, you don’t need to communicate or ask for consent because sex is an assumed part of the relationship."

• Impact: This can lead to the invalidation of a person's right to say "no" or set boundaries, fostering a sense of shame if they ever feel uncomfortable saying "no" to sex or questioning consent.

16. Shame Around "Virginity"

• Message: "Your worth or purity is tied to being a 'virgin.' Losing your virginity makes you less valuable or 'dirty.'"

• Impact: This creates intense shame for individuals who haven’t had sex, or for those who have lost their virginity in ways that don't align with cultural expectations, such as without love or in casual situations.

These messages often lead people to feel alienated, confused, or guilty about their sexuality. It can take time and effort to unlearn them and replace them with healthier, more open views of sex and sexuality. Cultivating sexual self-acceptance and seeking supportive, non-judgmental spaces for exploring sexuality can help challenge these shameful messages and promote a healthier relationship with one's sexual self.

Let’s Talk About Holiday Sex: Why It’s More Than Just a Gift

The holidays are often thought of as a time for family gatherings, festive meals, and gift exchanges. But amid all the hustle and bustle, there's another part of the season that can be a source of joy and connection: holiday sex.

What is holiday sex?

You might be thinking, “Wait, what does holiday sex even mean?” Well, it’s not about buying the latest luxury lingerie or turning your living room into a winter wonderland of intimacy. It’s about making time for connection, romance, and even a little bit of fun in the midst of the holiday chaos. Whether you're in a long-term relationship, newly dating, or enjoying a bit of solo downtime, holiday sex can bring a sense of closeness, pleasure, and relaxation to what can sometimes feel like a stressful time of year.

How can you make the most out of holiday sex?

Let’s dive into why holiday sex deserves a place on your seasonal agenda and how to make the most of it.

1. Stress Relief: The Best Gift You Can Give Yourself (and Your Partner)

The holiday season is notorious for creating stress. Between gift shopping, travel plans, work deadlines, and family obligations, it's easy to feel like you're running on empty. But did you know that sex is a great stress reliever? Orgasms release a cocktail of hormones, including oxytocin (the bonding hormone) and endorphins (the body’s natural painkillers), which help to reduce anxiety, elevate your mood, and promote feelings of relaxation.

So, in the midst of all the madness, prioritizing a little intimate time with your partner can be an excellent way to de-stress and reset. It’s a simple, yet powerful way to recharge your emotional and physical batteries, leaving you feeling more balanced and present.

2. A Perfect Excuse to Be More Present with Each Other

With the frenzy of holiday plans and social commitments, it's easy to forget about quality time with your partner. Between office parties, family dinners, and shopping sprees, you might feel like ships passing in the night. But intimacy—whether through touch, conversation, or physical connection—is one of the best ways to strengthen your bond and feel more connected to your partner.

Making time for sex is a way of saying, “Hey, you matter to me, and I want to carve out time just for us.” Whether it’s a spontaneous moment after a holiday party or a cozy night in front of the fire, prioritizing intimacy in the holiday season is a great way to keep your relationship strong.

3. Setting the Mood: Making Your Space Feel Sexy

The holidays have a way of transforming our homes into magical places—think twinkling lights, scented candles, and cozy blankets. These elements can also set the perfect mood for intimacy.

Set the scene by creating a relaxed, inviting atmosphere. Dim the lights, light some candles, or put on your favorite holiday playlist. If you want to go the extra mile, surprise your partner with something special like a little holiday-themed lingerie, a sensual massage, or even a cozy bubble bath to share before things heat up.

The holidays offer plenty of sensory experiences that can enhance your romantic life, so take advantage of these moments to turn everyday activities into intimate rituals.

4. Exploring New Kinks or Fantasies Together

There’s something about the holiday season that encourages a little indulgence. Whether it’s eating one too many cookies, sipping one too many cocktails, or enjoying a little extra time off from work, the holidays are a perfect opportunity to let loose and try something new—sexually, too.

Maybe you’ve always been curious about trying something new in the bedroom but never had the time or energy to explore. The downtime during the holidays can give you the space to talk openly about desires, try new things, and even indulge in a little fantasy. Whether it’s playing out a holiday-themed roleplay or experimenting with new toys, this could be the perfect time to spice things up.

Just make sure to communicate with your partner about your boundaries and preferences. Holiday sex is about creating pleasure and fun, so keep things lighthearted and focused on mutual enjoyment.

5. Solo Sex: Embracing Self-Love

It’s not just about the couple’s experience! The holiday season is also a great time to embrace your own sexuality and enjoy some solo pleasure. With more time to unwind, you might find yourself in need of some "me time" to relax, de-stress, and reconnect with your body.

Solo sex offers a perfect opportunity to explore your own desires, fantasies, and needs, without worrying about meeting anyone else’s expectations. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the pressures of the season, setting aside time for self-care—through masturbation, a warm bath, or even journaling about your desires—can be incredibly empowering.

Remember, the holidays aren’t just about giving to others, but also nurturing your own well-being.

6. A Time for Gratitude and Connection

As cheesy as it might sound, the holidays are a great time to reflect on what you’re grateful for. If you’re in a relationship, expressing your appreciation for your partner—both emotionally and physically—can deepen your connection. Small gestures like verbal affirmations, affectionate touches, or a thoughtful gesture (like making breakfast in bed or writing a love note) can make a huge impact.

Incorporating gratitude into your sexual connection can also enhance intimacy. Focusing on what you love about your partner’s body, their touch, and the way they make you feel can elevate the entire experience.

7. Reclaiming Intimacy in a Busy Season

One of the greatest challenges of the holidays is finding balance. It’s easy to get caught up in the to-do lists, but taking time for sex can serve as a reminder that physical intimacy matters, too. It doesn’t have to be grandiose or planned out—it’s about quality over quantity.

By making the effort to prioritize physical connection, you’re not only maintaining your relationship but also ensuring that you and your partner stay emotionally nourished throughout the holiday season.

Final Thoughts: Holiday Sex Can Be Your Best Gift

Sex during the holiday season can be more than just a fun distraction—it can help you relieve stress, stay connected with your partner, and even rediscover your own sense of pleasure. As with any time of year, the key is communication, respect, and mutual enjoyment.

So this holiday season, don’t just focus on the shopping lists and the family gatherings. Remember to take some time for yourself and your partner, and maybe even surprise each other with a little holiday joy in the bedroom.

After all, the best gift you can give yourself and your partner is a healthy, intimate connection. Happy holidays! 🎄❤️

How to Set the Mood and Make Your Space Feel Sexy: A Guide to Creating the Ultimate Atmosphere

Creating a sexy atmosphere in your space is one of the easiest and most effective ways to elevate intimacy, whether you're alone or with a partner. While it’s easy to think that a sexy mood requires extravagant gestures or expensive toys, the truth is that the right setting can be achieved with a few simple elements—lighting, scents, sounds, and touches that appeal to the senses.

How can you set the mood for intimacy in your space?

In this blog post, we’ll break down how to transform any space into a sensual haven, so you can unwind, connect, and enjoy some much-needed intimacy. Let’s dive into the art of setting the mood.

1. Lighting: The Magic of Soft, Ambient Glow

Lighting is one of the most powerful tools in setting the mood for a sexy atmosphere. Harsh, overhead lighting can kill the vibe, making everything feel too clinical or intense. Instead, opt for soft, warm lighting to create a more intimate, relaxed setting.

• Candles: Candles are a classic way to set the mood, as the flickering light creates an inviting, seductive glow. Choose candles with scents that complement the mood you’re aiming for—think lavender, jasmine, sandalwood, or vanilla for a calming, sensual vibe.

• Fairy Lights: Twinkling fairy lights or string lights can add a dreamy touch, especially when placed around the room or over the bed. They provide a gentle glow that’s flattering and calming.

• Dimmer Switches: If you have dimmer switches, they’re an easy way to control the level of lighting. Dimming the lights to around 50% can make the space feel more cozy and intimate.

• Lamps and Salt Lamps: A bedside or table lamp with a warm, amber tone can provide just the right amount of light without being overwhelming. Himalayan salt lamps not only look beautiful but also emit a soft, pinkish glow that’s perfect for creating a sensual atmosphere.

The key to sexy lighting is to keep it soft, flattering, and inviting. This will help both you and your partner feel relaxed and in the mood.

2. Scent: The Invisible Aphrodisiac

Scents have an undeniable effect on our emotions and can play a huge role in setting a sensual tone. The right fragrance can awaken desire, soothe the mind, and transport you to a more intimate state of mind.

• Scented Candles or Diffusers: In addition to the visual appeal, candles and essential oil diffusers can add a pleasant fragrance to the room. Scents like vanilla, ylang-ylang, or rose are often considered aphrodisiacs.

• Essential Oils: Essential oils are a great way to control the scent of your space. Some popular options for creating a sexy atmosphere include sandalwood, patchouli, lavender, and neroli. You can diffuse these oils in the room, or apply a few drops to your body for a subtle scent that lingers throughout the night.

• Fresh Flowers: Fresh flowers, like roses or orchids, can provide a natural fragrance that adds a touch of luxury and sensuality. Arrange them in a vase on your nightstand or table for a soft, romantic touch.

Remember, less is more when it comes to scent. Overpowering fragrances can be off-putting, so keep the scent subtle and relaxing, creating a calming and inviting environment.

3. Sound: The Right Playlist Can Work Wonders

Music is an incredibly effective way to set the tone of a space and encourage a sexy, laid-back vibe. The right playlist can boost your mood, heighten intimacy, and even encourage a slower, more sensual pace.

• Sexy Playlists: Curate a playlist of smooth, sensual tunes—think R&B, jazz, or ambient sounds that provide a mellow, relaxing backdrop. Artists like Sade, The Weeknd, or Frank Ocean are known for their sultry sounds.

• Nature Sounds: If you prefer something more subtle, background sounds like ocean waves, raindrops, or the gentle rustle of leaves can help calm the mind and create a tranquil, intimate space. Many music apps or YouTube channels offer nature soundtracks for this purpose.

• Avoid Distracting Noises: Make sure the room is free from any noises that could break the mood—like the hum of appliances, phone notifications, or TV sounds. If necessary, use a white noise machine or close the windows to block outside distractions.

The music should set the tone, but not distract. Choose tracks that help you feel relaxed, sensual, and connected to the moment.

4. Textures: Creating a Comfortable and Inviting Environment

When it comes to creating a sexy atmosphere, comfort is key. The more relaxed and at ease you feel in your environment, the more likely you are to fully enjoy the experience.

• Soft Bedding: Soft sheets are a must for creating a sensual, luxurious feeling. Opt for high-quality cotton, linen, or silk sheets, as these materials feel indulgent and smooth against the skin.

• Fluffy Throws and Pillows: Add a few extra plush pillows to the bed or couch to create a cozy and inviting atmosphere. Consider a luxurious throw blanket that feels indulgent when wrapped around your body or draped across your legs.

• Sensual Fabrics: Think about textures that invite touch, such as satin robes, silky lingerie, or even a soft cashmere sweater. When fabrics feel good to the touch, they can encourage tactile connection and intimacy.

Making your space physically comfortable and sensory-pleasing will create a deeper level of relaxation and openness—perfect for a sexy vibe.

5. Visual Appeal: Decorating with Intention

The aesthetic of your space plays a major role in setting the mood. Even small touches can enhance the overall sensual vibe and create an environment where you feel confident and at ease.

• Subtle Lighting Fixtures: If you want to go beyond candles, use low-hanging pendant lights or lamps with a warm glow to create a seductive atmosphere. Avoid harsh, clinical lighting that can make you feel exposed or uncomfortable.

• Minimalist and Clean Design: A cluttered room can lead to stress and distraction, which are not ideal for a sexy, intimate space. Keep the room clean and organized, with just a few intentional decorative elements that evoke romance. Think about soft colors like deep red, blush pink, gold, or shades of gray, all of which are calming and inviting.

• Sensual Art or Décor: If you like, you can include artwork or décor that reflects sensuality—whether it’s a painting that feels romantic, or a piece of furniture that invites closeness. Tastefully curated art or subtle touches like a decorative vase with flowers can make the space feel more special.

The goal is to create a space that looks and feels inviting, where the surroundings support the mood of relaxation and connection.

6. Touch: The Most Powerful Sense

Finally, let’s not forget the power of touch. While setting the mood through lighting, scent, sound, and décor is important, touch is the ultimate way to bring the atmosphere to life.

• Sensual Massage: Consider incorporating a sensual massage into your evening routine. Use luxurious oils or lotions to give your partner a soothing, intimate experience.

• Physical Connection: Whether it’s through holding hands, slow dancing, or cuddling, touch is the most direct way to build connection and intimacy. Make sure your space encourages these kinds of physical interactions.

• Temperature Play: A sexy atmosphere isn’t just about what you can see or hear—it’s also about what you can feel. Experiment with different temperatures in the room. A cozy, warm environment can feel indulgent, while cool air can heighten the sense of closeness when cuddled under a blanket.

Final Thoughts: Creating Your Own Sexy Sanctuary

Setting the mood in your space is all about creating an environment where you feel relaxed, connected, and confident. Whether you’re unwinding after a long day, enjoying solo time, or sharing an intimate evening with a partner, small adjustments to lighting, scent, sound, and touch can work wonders in enhancing your sensual experience.

So, dim the lights, light some candles, and create a space that invites pleasure and intimacy. With the right atmosphere, your home can become a sanctuary of connection, relaxation, and, of course, sensuality.